yea so like I was saying

Soo many things have went on....

• The beginning of Dec I went to my Co. holiday party, it was nice simple nothing major bestie came with me and we always have a good time.  One irritant (probably don't need to be mention but whatever) a co-worker of mine whom I'm really good friends with told me and bestie to come over to the bar so he can buy us a drink.  Next thing I know two other chicks jump up(yes i know them) and walk over there with us.  They stand around at the bar as if there are about to buy a drink and literally wait for my friend to pay for there drinks.  I was so annoyed b/c I don't do crap like that and its was  a pretty desperate move for a $4.00 drink.  I later apologized to my friend and he is such a nice guy he said it was ok but he did noticed and thought it was tacky as well.
• My Legal Research &Writing classes ended two weeks ago and I got an A.  I'm very proud more so because I went into this not knowing much about the law, legal writing and research and I manage to not only do very well but I really grasp it and honestly its kinda difficult because your learning a different language just about.  Anyway spring semester I decided to take 3 classes which makes me nervous and excited at the same time.  I will be in class Mon, Tues and Thur nights, its alot for a working mom but I'm going to do it.  Last Mon I left my Intro class, we reviewed for the final which is tonight and I haven't seen my bookbag since.  Yes you heard me right, I lost my bookbag!  I mean seriously who does this, I'm just a little to old for this kind of shenanigans.  I honestly believe someone took it out of my car, I leave it in there alot because I take it to work with me during the week.  I think I may have forgot to lock my car and someone saw the bag thinking it was something of value and took it.  Which means I lost my flash drive with my work thank goodness I have a back up on my computer at work, my $90 book I purchased which I will have to buy again only because it has alot of useful info.  UGGGG the good thing is its the end of the semester and the girl in my class was able to email the notes for the final I'm annoyed.
• I met this guy awhile back and we have been talking pretty often, we hung out a few times and honestly he makes me nervous.  School girl nervous, I'm extremely attracted to him not just physically but he just has swagga.  It got to the point were I was avoiding hanging out with him.  Now of course these type of guys are not boyfriend material and not that he couldn't be boyfriend material at a different time in my life but he just has alot going on.  He lives in Jersey which isn't an issue he works as a barber which means long days and nights.  He has plenty of kids(when I say plenty I mean more than 5) which translates into more than one baby mom and thats just a little more than I am willing to over look, now don't get my wrong I have a school yard full myself and I don't have an issue with someone having children.  But with that kind of situation it's just a bit crowded in his life.  So I have moved him into the fun boy toy box and he can stay there for now.
• The father continues on his endeavor of silliness and annoying antics.  He finally decided to just get the kids every other weekend which I don't understand what was the problem.  Now when he has them he still has to find a reason call me and not want anything.  I told him don't start calling me Sunday morning talking about where am I going to be.  6pm drop off or meet up is good, of course anything I suggest doesn't work for him so he got an attitude about 6pm and just kept them.  HUH?? You might say, why would he keep them another night if he had something to do?  Lies all lies....any way he will drop them at the daycare and I will get them from there.  I told him I would much rather do it like that anyway to avoid his anger and whatever issue he has with me that I don't know about.
• Also I have already decided on my 4th annual mommy vaca for 2012 ooooo baby essence music festival in New Orleans, LA.  This is a music festival weekend held the first weekend in July every year on the french quarter.  I went several years ago with mzjacksonswords and we had an awesome time.  This year I am doing a better job at planning things out, bestie and I are resevering our room now and will have it paid prior to arrival.  The year we went hurricane Katrina hit so I'm eager to see how things have changed.

so thats it for now I promise will update more now that the semester is over.....

"me and my girlfriend" - tupac

Between class, homework, work, sleep and kids I have not had the energy to blog.  I hate that because my blogging is part of my exercise for my mind and mental health.  Maybe that sounds corny but its true writing gives me the outlet and the oppurtunity to get out of my own head.
Thursday I went over bestie house for dinner, she cooked and as usual our families always have a great time.  We both are cut from the same cloth, we share so much in the way we think and yet we are so different.  We also share the same religion(she was introduced as a young child to the faith and I was introduced as a pre-teen by my grandmom) besides that we are both the only child and our mothers are a mirror of eachother, which means our childhoods also are similar in the way we grew up.  So for me we are family, I"m that person who believes just because you don't share a blood line with someone that dont mean they are not your family.  And honestly just because I do share a blood line with some people I honestly do feel that that makes them my loved one either.  I'm not about to into that discussion, anyway we had a great time as usual, her husband bought some "Hennesy Black" which I had to have some of.  Yes I am a serious drinker and I usually drink hennesy w/ O.J when we go out(when I'm not to broke).  We drank the henny black I mixed mine with cranberry and bestie drank it straight with some water on the side as a chaser, yuck!  After eating and drinking I needed a nap on the couch before I could bring myself to gather my posses and go home. "good times, good times"
Friday I did some much needed cleaning and the usual washing of clothes, I swear washing clothes for three children is pretty ridiculous all the detergent and bleach we go threw.  I had plans to hang out with this guy I have been talking to for quite sometime but after several strange conversations I decided I didn't think it would have been a good idea.  After a while he just seemed strange which turned me off, I don't even feel like getting into maybe later.
Saturday I went to a co worker 40th birthday party which turned out very nice.  It was at a hall so she provided the food and drinks, yea I like those parties too!  Of course I had a great time dancing and drinking all night bestie came with me of course.  I usually have to bring her because I hate being somewhere and people acting stupid or like they don't know how to have a good time.  I know when were together we gonna have a good time.  Which brings me to this Friday, the company holiday party and yes bestie is coming with me.  I was going to bring Tate but thats his weekend with his daughter.  I was kinda glad since I really don't want people at this job all in my business AGAIN.   Speaking of Tate we just started talking again, I had to dismiss almost right after we started talking.  What happened was he can be a bit of a how do I say it.... controlling/jealous, crap like if I'm with him and I look at my phone he's all like "tell your boyfriend your here with me" or when I'm leaving "where are you going and why are you leaving"  I had to tell him in the not so polite way(b/c I tried to do polite the 1st time) I have kids in this world and I'm checking my phone because she may have to texted/called me and I can't lay up with you all day I have a home to attend too.  So he got annoyed with me and I ended up telling him "your irritating me and I'm done playing this game".  So we didn't talk for about a two weeks and then he texted me asking was I still angry with him and I let him know of course not, where friends again.  (gag, gag)
Also my classes have been going great besides the fact that I really don' t like this one teacher but half the class don't like her either.  I got my final last night, which is a take home and due next Wed and then we are done with that class, I really like this prof.  I registered for three classes for the spring semester, I'm nervous can I really take on three classes?  That mean I will have class Mon Tues and Thur.  I want to do it but I don't want to be streched and not make A's.  I'm still undecided.  Anywho more updates later.

I'm going in....

I don't write disclaimers as this is my blog and I blog what I want to.....names and places are not mentioned to protect the innocence and the guilty.

I"m so sick of guys and their exaggerated idea that there penis is some how superior to another penis and the idea that just because they have a dick it some hows give them some kind of secret weapon of mass destruction.  Now I admit I have been around the block, it's not something I am ashamed of or proud of its just one of those things where it is what it is.  With that said I have seen my fair share of dicks, big ones small ones normal size skinny ones and fat ones and honestly while most women can say they want a big one I think for the most part we are happy with a normal size with a decent width.  Back to the men, for some reason guys think that there penis is superior to another.  Seriously do they not understand that most women can go to the nearest corner flag someone down and get a dick.  Its not one of those things where the product out weights the demand there is a surplus.  Now when I say get dick I don't mean a relationship/husband/boyfriend what I mean is if I want to get screwed its not a hard task.  Guys brag about there penis thinking that they some how lay pipe better than the next guy.  Yes some guys just don't have a clue around a women's body and then there are others who are tuned into exactly what we want and sometimes it requires some coaching  to find out exactly what we want.  So I have been in situations when some guy feels the need to let me know how good his dick is, really??!!   And why I conduct myself like an effing lady I do not feed the monster I usually sit back and let that person honk his own horn, I mean hey why not.  Usually I want to say something like "boy please I have seen bigger" or "yours is ok, it falls a little short but I can work with it" or "no you really don't need that magnum condom a regular one will due" or "no I really wanna get on top b/c I"m not feeling anything" and "yes I have had better".  Now I refrain from saying such thing because I usually like the person I'm screwing(yes I tried to make that a habit) and I don't really want to bruise the male ego(well not at that time).  So in conclusion ladies our job is never done, we will sit back and let him brag and feel like he did something that have never been done, go ahead especially if you like him.

men, men and more men...

A few weeks ago I kinda decided I was just gonna jump off the deep end and do what I want when I want without restrictions.  This sounds kinda crazy but "ha whatta you gonna do", for a while I have been playing it cool and not really pursuing all those naughty things I wanna do.  First on my agenda is men, yes men.  I really have been taking it easy and not looking or putting in any real effort to meet someone.  Hell even sex have been on the back burner and for me that is pretty dam hard.  Not saying I'm some kind of nympho but by all means I like it when and how I want.  I think I wasn't putting in any real effort because honestly I have such a busy schedule between school/work/kids I didn't think there was any room left.  So I have decided to make room and squeeze in the opposite sex.
Last week I made a connection with Tate and old boyfriend from college, we hung out last week and this past weekend.  He goes paintball every weekend and insist that I go, honestly I don't want to go.  I have been in the past (took the father paintball for a fathers day gift) and that was enough.  I asked a girlfriend if she would go but I seriously don't want to go, sheesh!  He's just out of a relationship 2 months ago, he told me he wished he hadn't taken our relationship for granted even though we where young.  He thinks I'm the wife type, I'm a cool person easy on the eyes and have a great personality as long as I "direct my vagina in one direction, I'm the wife type" his words not mine.  So romantic and honest, so I had a good laugh at that!
I also met another guy(a cop, no not that one another one) and he is typical guy that I usually end up with.  Not saying that in a bad way but for whatever reason he swears that I am the one and that we will be in a great relationship soon.  He even had it planned out that we(me+kids) will move in to his home since he owns it after we get married.  I usually end up with the provider protector kind of guy, which is great but right now I kinda want to play around some.  Not to say if things go well I wouldn't embrace a good relationship but sheesh he already has us married.  He is nice and nice on the eyes as well so I guess there isn't much to complain about there.
Also the Russian guy that I went out with maybe a year a go emailed me.  He is also a nice guy with this adorable accent who says he too is tired of being single and wants to put in real effort for us to get to know each other again and see where it goes.  We went out a few times, maybe a year ago but at that time I really didn't want to meet someone so I was acting like a flake not returning calls/text messages.  He is a nurse at Temple University hospital and has a 16y/o son who live in Russia.  So I guess he emailed me at the right time, we are hanging out Tuesday.

my show will go on

Somebody help, either help me or the father I can't I can't just irks my whole entire soul I swear....
Now that I got that out
Monday I talk to the father asking if he could keep the kids over night on Tuesday, side bar:

Of course I was/am irked that I have to come up with a story so you can keep your kids and I can go out. WTF?? where not together and why do you care??  I decided that I would tell him what he needed to hear just to keep the peace and not rock the boat.

He said he would(after asking me why whats going on) he also said that he would pick them up from the daycare.  I made plans to hang out with Tate(is what we will call him) on Tuesday and I honestly said to myself I just may want to spend the night out hence why I asked the father to keep them.  After we made that plan I said cool then I can go to the gym straight from work then come home.  So yesterday he goes to the daycare and picks everyone up except my oldest daughter.  Normally shes not at the daycare but there was no school yesterday so she was.  The father picks everyone up(mind you my middle child is in the same bldg) and then says to her your mom is coming to get you.  Here we go with the games, so after she texted me that I left the gym to go get her all the while cursing like a drunken sailor on the phone to him.  But once I got home and calmed down(whoo sigh) I started getting ready for my date.

Tate lives in the city and we decided I would meet him at his place then we would go get something to eat.  Feeling rather sexy in my jeans and smelling very good, I met him at his place and he gave me a tour.  He has this huge 3 story house that he is in the process of renovating himself.  Its tile, flooring, paint, sheet rock holes in the wall when you walk in, the downstairs isn't complete so we head up to the second floor where he knocked down a wall to create a bigger bedroom for himself.  His daughter room and her bathroom was done to perfection then I could see how good his work is.  We went up another flight of stairs where he knocked down another wall to open up the space and there is where he built a bar w/ a sink put down ceramic floors and installed a heart shape black jacuzzi in the back room.  He also opened up the front window and built a deck off of the 3rd floor with sliding glass tinted windows.  This room is where he stays but plans to make it an official entertainment area.  So we sat and talked he told me if I needed anything done at my place he would do it(yes please I need the place painted) and after plenty of comments about how I look and how well I aged I kinda let go of some of my insecurity.  I hate that I have some insecurity about my weight, I know I carry it well but I know this isn't really me.  Thats why I have been putting in serious effort about the gym and watching what I eat.  Anyway after the tour we headed out the clock bar, this was one of my fav spots when I went to Temple, yes its a neighborhood bar that serves awesome seafood.  After we ate we headed back to his place and he poured us a drink and he put on the Kevin Hart comedy show.  We talked about our recent relationships and what we want and direction we want to go talked about our kids he still has that silly side that I like.  We both talked about how much we just enjoyed hanging out with each other and we both agreed that we where actually friends and enjoyed each other company.  I realized when we got back the jacuzzi was full so we decided to get in and relax and watch the movie in there.  I was being shy and made him leave when I took my clothes off, he laughed and said I was being silly and that I looked great, whatever turn around while I get in.  We drank and laughed in the jacuzzi, after we both got pretty tipsy and wrinkled from being in the water we decided to get out.  He lives just like the typical bachelor digging around for the bag of clean clothes for some towels.  We laid in bed and he attempted to put on a movie but neither of us where interested in the movie.  I have always been attracted to big guys, I like when  a guy has a big wide chest and shoulders and he had all that along with that scruffy rugged look.  So I had a great time and left early enough this morning to be to work on time.

"pick back up now where I leave it at"

I hate when I let so much time go by without blogging it makes it more difficult to get my thoughts together, anyway I will try here goes(in no particular order)
Last week I had another interview this was with a law firm downtown and an attorney known for his commercials on daytime tv.  I loved being downtown, prior to that I haven't been in forever and I felt like some kind of out of town tourist.  I was surprised that I was actually interviewing with him directly I kinda thought it would be with some HR person but nope it was him.  He was a very nice guy(surprisingly) and the interview went well.  I feel like I want to keep getting out there until I find something that suits me.  He did say that he would like someone with experience but hasn't found them yet, he said he liked me and would definitely consider me since I showed so much enthusiasm.  I was rather pleased with that, I see all of this as a learning experience that will take me to what I am suppose to have in the end.
Friday I had my court date, the father took me to court for shared/joint custody of the kids.  Initially it had my panties in a huge bunch, lots of anxiety and stress.  I then sat down and jotted down all the valid points that I will bring up as to say why that it's not necessary that he get shared custody.  After doing that and sharing my points with several people it was obvious that I had nothing to worry about.  Friday when I got there we where told that court was cancelled and they had to reschedule.  It really didn't matter to me anyway, so now its postponed and I will get a letter in the mail telling me when the new court date. Whatever!
Last week an old boyfriend found me on facebook, I don't really like fb but I guess it does have it's up side.  He was my boyfriend my 1year at Temple and we really like each other but we where young and silly.  You know how it is when your young and full of emotions, hormones and sexual desires(the good old days) needless to say the relationship had its ups and downs and ended the summer of our second year.  So now that we are back in touch we talked about all those(now funny) incidents that went down.  He told me how much he liked me and that I broke his heart.  It was a very nice conversation, so now we are hanging out tonight.  I can't wait;)  I'm pretty excited and nervous in alot of ways, one way for sure since I finally cut the sex with the father I can totally see me being a slut and screwing him.  I know bad girl but we have a history and its not like he's a total stranger, right?  And it really doesn't help that he is still very sexy and since I'm working out regularly I feel pretty good about myself I"m pretty eager to get naked for someone.  And we both are single.....
Its funny how guys that I talk to from my past express how much they cared about me and they where head over heels in love with me and they have been looking for me.  But when I think back I don't recall if I have the same feelings, when I'm with the person yes I really like them but when its over I tend to just let it go and move on without much thought.  I guess that's a good thing for me anyway it keeps me from living in the past but I honestly don't realize that I made an impact in someones life.  When I think of my past I can't say that I have been head over heels in love alot.  When I'm with someone yes I am attracted to them and I love being with the person but alot of times its something I can give or take.  I was in love with the father for so many reasons but the main reason was because of the way he treated me but there was plenty at the same time that I could have done without.  I guess that is how love goes, people grow and change and you just keep finding things to love about that person, r-ex is someone I can say I was deeply in love with but I don't spend time in the past.  I have always been like that very matter of fact, when I think about it I guess its a good thing and also a bad thing at times.
Anyway my classes are going very good and if I keep my two classes per semester and one class each summer session I should be done in June of 2013.  It seems far but not really, if something happens and I can take more classes that would be great but overall I'm pretty happy with this schedule.
Its nice to be blogging again

mean girls come back to haunt you

Last Wednesday I had an interview which turned out some surprises, first the person who interviewed me was a girl I went to Temple with.  Now the average person I guess that would be a good thing, when she said her name when we where on the phone I knew right away this was the same girl.  She has a very unique name and there was no chance that it was somebody else who had the same name.  Immediatly I began to think if I go along with the girl.  She was my former roommate, roommate they got an off campus apartment.  I do remember bff and I going over there and just doing mean girl stuff, just for no reason(I know we where young), we would call her the wrong name just because or we would eat some of her food and sometimes just snoop in her room.  So when I spoke to her on the phone I didn't want to say anything but I was sure it was her, so of course when I got there the first thing she said was my name you know said it like hey girl!  So I said yes and we had a laugh, I was relieved to know that she was pretty ok with me.  I mean that was along time ago so we went on with the intereview and talked some about people we know.  As I thought the job start pay was signifantly less that what I am making now but it is exactly where I need to be to gain my experience.  I thought about it all weekend and came to the conclusion that if I am going to take a pay cut that I would have to plan ahead right now I cannot just up change jobs and lose money.  So over the next year I will continue my career search with the hopes of not taking a pay cut but if so I'm going to figure my plan that will allow me to do so.  I swear this grown up stuff is really for the birds.

the light at the end of the tunnel just seems so far

After we turned on our assignment, resume and cover letter I decided to send mine out to a few law firms.  When I did some poking around most people prefer a paralegal with some years of experience and those without obviously fall into the category of making less money.  Now I'm not even going to get into the crap about enjoying what you do isn't always about the money, OH PLEASE spare me that crock of bull, I need both.  I need to feed the school yard full of kids that I have and still be able to go buy myself a new Juicy Couture bag if I want(on sell of course) with the topping of enjoying my work as well.  So it seems that if I don't have any experience once I'm done school I will have to get a job and take a pay cut.  That sucks and yes I know all about the light at the end of the tunnel and having to sacrifice now to get it back later, yea yea yea whatever.  Like I said I submitted my resume to law firms that need a receptionist(I will answer phones there just to get my foot in the door), legal assistants and legal secretaries.  I'm a forward thinker and it just makes sense for me to be in that environment now while I am still in school and gain my experience simultaneously.  Monday I actually got a bite, an employer called me to come in for an interview Wednesday very nice and exciting to know my resume caught someones eye.

all around your elbow to get to your ass

This morning I woke up and felt like a hamster in the wheel, you know the stinky little rodent in the classroom that make the whole room smell musky yes him.  I don't know if this is the on set of my bipolar acting up but I know I was pretty annoyed at the thought of oh here I go again with this.  I know its life people have to get up and go to work 5 longs day a week, get paid every other Friday use the weekends to drink, do a hobby find someone to have sex with, complain in between finding happiness and doing things you like.  Yes that sums it up, I know I hate when I get like this all bitchy and irritable.  Besides that things are going along pretty well, our first assingment was to do our resume/cover letter which turned out pretty good.  When I completed mine I felt pretty good about it, in the back of my mind I have been having this thought of should I leave my current job and try to work in a law firm.  Maybe not as a Paralegal but an admin assist or legal secretary or something just to get my foot in the door and be in that environment.  Yes I have been at my current job for quite sometime and honestly I feel like I'm ready to go, it's just something that served its purpose and now its time to move on.  Then on the other side since I have been here so long I have a little bit of lee way(sp?) in some areas.  Anyway I decided to put resume out to some law firms and see what happens hopefully I can get a call back or something to boost my ego.
Other news I haven't been out on a date nor am I currently talking to anyone, this last guy I talked which was actually earlier this week.  He seemed nice but after a few conversations he let me know that he wasn't driving right now because he was in a car accident and it will be sometime before he got a car.  He started the conversation off with what am I doing this weekend.  I told him nothing major he said neither was he and then goes on to say well to bad we can't meet up.  I said ummmm ok, then he says well I'm not driving and I know how you women of today are.  So we get into this discussion of having a car and the women of today have nothing to do with the other.  If a man wants to date a women how is he going to spend time make dates and do things without a car??  I didn't even feel like entertaining the conversation and just said well I would meet up but I'm not sure how he would meet up with me.  If he caught the bus or borrowed a car, that would be his problem.  Long story short he will contact me when he has a car, whatever its not that deep.
I don't really have time and honestly I am just not that interested in dating right now.  My schedule is pretty busy and I just feel content with things right now and I'm happy.  As far a sex, yes sex when I have that itch I know I can always go back to old reliable, the father.  Yes I know your shaking your head at me but hey it is what it is.  I do fight the convinence but sometimes I just don't have the fight in me and he doesn't make it any easier.   He's over there just about everyday eating dinner, playing with kids or just hanging out on the couch watching football.  Yes both of us ass backwards, all the way around your elbow to get to your ass.  Anyway I was talking to bff about the whole relationship that we don't have and she thought maybe I should just come out and say "WTF??"  In other words what are we doing why are we growing closer instead of apart like people do when they break up.  Any who I said I will and yes it would be me since he is a terrible communicator when it come to us.  I don't know when I will most of the time stuff like that just usually comes flying out of my mouth and  I didn't even see it coming.
Oh and I got bangs maybe this pic will up load......

Bucket list

For a while I have been going over my bucket list in my head and I think I'm ready to put it down on paper.  If I have any add on's I will just add on, when I really figure out how to make html on my page that will be better as I will be able to reference back it without scrolling to find this blog.  But anyway let start here(in no particular order):

1. Go to New York top notch hair salon and get a make over(like ANTM)
2. See the Eiffel Tower
3. Go back packing in a destination unknown so far. 
4. Drive my kids in Winnebago down the East Coast
5. Visit a Nudest retreat


These are just a few things that come to mind when I think of stuff I want to do.  Yes some are extreme and others are rather reachable.  I can't wait to build and accomplish things on my list.

a few things

• I am just getting over being sick.  Not sure what my problem was but it was more than the allergy since the allergy meds was not working and I continuously had a congestation a headache and runny nose accompanied with some body aches.  But I have recovered and all that's left is for me to peel the rough skin off of my nose from blowing it so much.
• I recently had a revelation that I need to go back to shopping at BJ's.  I used to shop there all the time when I was a married women then when it was just me and the kids there really was no need for it.  But now that I have 3 kids and one of them is a boy, who is only two(on sat:) and eats like he is 16 I have to really pay attention to the food I buy.  I found myself at the store every other day which is not good because I really don't have time for that.  So I took a trip to BJ's and bought all the things that they need in bulk goldfish, juice boxes, cereal, fruit bars, french toast sticks and so on.  I didn't spend as much as I thought I would need to so I am pretty happy with my haul.  So now I'm back to food being a major factor when I am working out my bills/budget.
• My classes are going great, we completed to assignments the first was a case brief which I did very well on(prof words) for my 1st time, that was for the legal research class.  The intro to paralegal class our first assignment was our resume and cover letter.  Which I am glad we did and she will critic and grade, I always hated to doing a resume especially a cover letter but I am to be able to get feed back on.  My research class took the trip to the law library to learn the way around the land and I admit all the information we got in class it's all coming to light now.

back to the future

I haven't blogged in a while I guess because I haven't had a chance to not only get my thoughts together but I have been pretty busy with my new schedule.  I have classes two nights a week which isn't bad.  I actually wished I was able to take another class but I it didn't work out that way.  I love love love what I am learning all of my worries about teaching an old dog new tricks learning something new is out the window.  I really have taken well to my schedule and the courses.  Initially getting things situated with my kids getting pick up and drop was all over the place.  Of course the father had a lot to do with it.  I expected him to act up in some way shape or form but I didn't expect his shenanigans to begin so early on.  Right now we are in the middle of I don't know what! But hey isn't that how things always are for us?!  He basically decided to take me to court for joint/shared custody of the kids, which is something I don't mind at all within in reason of course.  I guess he want things on paper because whatever schedule he set for seeing the kids I was always agreed to.  It started out as every other weekend but then changed to Mon - Wed which he didn't always stick to considering the days he did pick them up from daycare he would end up at my house anyway eating dinner.  Right now I think he is going through a crisis, the school district layed him off when they did all those cuts.  So he went from having two jobs to none, yes he keep the partime job at the company we met at but some changes where made there and he was unable to keep that job and then turn around a got layed off.  That meant he was jobless for the first time in 10years and the kind of guy he is that just really hit him hard.  He is a provider(a great one at that) the kind of guy who enjoys taking care of his family and is very giving.  So I said all that to say that he is pretty much in a really ugly funk.  And when your upset who do you typically take things out on, yes the closes person so there I was mind my own business going with my life.  How dare she?  So then starts the lashing out.  So we went through our bout of not talking which I found rather peaceful.  But we all know that wouldn't last too long.  He starts texting and then we are talking again and things are back to normal right after Monday.  I took off Monday just to have some time to myself, I got up dropped the kids off, got my nails done eyebrows waxed, read a chapter of school work then I get a call from him asking if I still wanted this workout video.  I said sure and low and be hold he says well I'm around the corner from your house I can bring it to you, sure!  So he brings me the video's and then encourages me to do them now, so here we are in my living room and he is acting as my personal trainer and also my cook.  I told him I didn't eat breakfast so he goes in the kitchen in between my sets and make me pancakes and eggs.  After my workout he had breakfast all done.  I ate thanked him for the video's and the workout and he left shortly after.  I know I know, WTH??  I don't know.  So yes things are back to normal, he is picking up the kids while I go to class, sending me pics of himself and holding our hour long morning talks about the kids.

Go me

A few weeks ago I went to the dentist everything went well, I found out that they do Zoom.  Zoom is a whitening procedure, that became really popular on the show extreme makeover.  Any way I decided this was something I wanted and last Thursday morning I got my teeth whitening.  No my insurance didn't cover any of the cost but I signed up for FSA(flexible spending account) and was able to use that money to the tune of $500.  Yes I know expensive but fsa is one of those things you can only use on medical expenses and at the end of the year if you don't use the money you lose it.  When I signed up I put a nice cushy amount in, last year when Ase was in and out of hospital I barely had enough for his medication.  I was not about to run into that same problem and since my baby have had a great year so far(admitted to hospital once=) the money is just sitting.  Anyway the procedure was about 2 hours including the prep and going over things, it went well.  Towards the end the nerves in my teeth became sensitive and started to give me sharp pains, that last throughout the day.  By the next day it was gone and my teeth/smile is brighter, no its not chicklet white but they are whiter and I am very pleased.  For the next 3days I have to do some small maintenance twice a day for 45min wearing something like a invisalign on my teeth.

On the other side of news I decided it was no reason for r-ex and I to continue our conversations.  He is in a relationship and that is something I already knew without him telling me because he is just that kind of guy.  I wasn't about to sneak around with him or anything close to that, I don't play seconds so it was pretty obvious there was nothing really to discuss.  I felt like he was still doing the same thing after all these years, cheating and sneaking around on the girlfriend you say you love.  I was the girlfriend at one time but now I'm a different kind of women the kind who can see through the bullsheesh, games and lies.  I'm not saying he is all those things because I don't know him anymore but what I am saying, there are just somethings I'm not willing to deal with.  Life is good right now, I'm happy with alot of things going on yes every now and then a monkey wrenched is thrown into the mix but I work through those things.  When I'm dating someone it's not complicated, they want to get to know me I want to get to know them we make time to hang out we find out if we like each other and then.......
So with that said on to the next.
My computer at my job crashed and normally I really wouldn't care but it just so happen the night before I started my assignment for class at home and emailed it to my work addy.  So I finish up at work and it was to perfection I save it in my documents.  I was about to print it to have a co-worker read over it but I didn't I just said I would later needless to say what happened later yes the computer crashed. UGGGGG
Yes I have the first draft in my email but dang I really was happy with the way it turned out.  Anyway the MIS guy took the computer I asked if he would be able to save any info on the hard drive he said he not sure he will try. 

to talk or text?

Last night as I left class realized I had several texts, the messages where from this guy I met sometime back at the fish fry.  Yes the one BFF and I went to and this happened, any way from what I remember we had a nice conversation and ended up exchanging numbers.  We talked and he seemed like a nice guy but every time he would call it seems like the wrong time to talk and I usually didn't get back him, not for any reason just because.  So anyway he sends me these messages talking about how I'm playing him and I must have a man and he thought I was real like him and me not being available to talk on the phone sounds like excuses.  "Whoa whoa, dude we ain't even like that 1st of all and 2nd who you talking to like that!"  Now I appreciate a when a man is aggressive and knows what he want but what in the world was that about.  I told him I would rather text then talk on the phone, for one when I'm home my background noise is pretty noisy I have 3 kids(which I already explained that) so we can text and then set something up to go out.  Besides the background noise I'm really just not gonna be on the phone with somebody for long periods of time.  Now when the kids are not home I will talk but it's usually pretty short, this ain't high school you wanna get to know me then lets hang out.  He apologized after I told him slow down partner and ask me out this weekend, I told him ok and I will let him know where we can meet.  I'm thinking he maybe he's a little crazy or just he likes me?? Ummmm........

all outta left field, then all up in it

The other day a friend of mine was talking we cruised around topics and things going on, she expressed some of her irritation with men and then all of a sudden bam, she lets it out she tells me that she hasn't had sex in 3 years.  WTH??? We talking about a 30something vibrant women.  Of course my jaw drop, I'm thinking no wait I actually said out loud 3 years dam girl how you do that?!?!  Yes I know I probably didn't sound supportive but sheesh!  That is a long time, I mean I guess I can understand if you are holding out for a relationship and Mr. Right but Mr. Sexy and hot never appeared??  Ladies you know who I'm talking about, that guy that comes along you know he ain't gonna be your boyfriend but he looks and smells all good all the time.  Yes that guy that helps you get where you need to go and helps you until you do find that relationship, yes him.  I don't want to sound like some kind of sexed crazed freak but I'm not a prude either(no need to  bring up the great hoe days of Temple Univ LOL).  I know this topic is kinda touchy but its my blog and I will blog what I want to.  Anyway, we finished our conversation and I did think about it afterwards, is that something I could do?  Can I not have sex for years?  Is that something reasonable?  Would I try it?








*NAAAAA......lol

look up and look who it is.....now what?!

Last week I got a text out of no where the message was just my name and when I looked at it I didn't immediately recognize the number so I said "yes? and this is??"  They responded with their name and a host of memories, thoughts and somewhat nervousness came over me.  You see it was the ex no not him but the ex from before the father, the same ex I left to be with the father.  The same ex that the father have always felt insecure about yes the same ex I never really stop caring about.  Why was he texting me? What do he want?
I responded back and we talked/texted you know the usual, how are you? how is everything? what are you up to?  Yes the "how is the weather conversation", after a few messages back and forth I asked him what do you want?  He didn't know, he said he just decided to contact me after thinking about me for sometime.  I said ok and I was cool with that. 
For me r-ex(which is was he will be referred to) brings alot of different emotions and kinda turns me all icky.  I hate that and that's why I would rather not be in regular contact.  We where in a 5 year relationship which had its highs and lows.  See when I met r-ex I was young and he taught me the kind of relationship I wanted and didn't want to be in.  While he had great qualities and I loved him tremendously he was a cheater and after break up and heartache break up and heartache I decided I needed and wanted better.  I was at the end of my rope with him when I started my current job and thus met the father.  That is the very short version.
We have been exchanging messages daily and while I like talking to him because I don't hate him or anything like that, I really don't find it necessary.  What I mean is no he is not going to be my friend because as I stated in a previous post ex's are not friends.  I do think of him time to time but my life has gone in a direction and I am pretty happy with.  I feel we both have had moments of "what if" but I don't dwell on that.  He wants to met up and talk I said I would, I'm not sure what could be said but I"m willing to talk. 

decisions decisions

After class last night I realized that I have made a great decision to become a paralegal.  I know for some the law isn't something to get all excited about as for me I am soooo excited.  It is a bit overwhelming, not just learning something new or being back in a classroom(its been 7years shush!) but learning the law means you also have to learn a whole new language and new set of terms and that is the tricky part.  My legal research prof said that right now we are just getting lots and lots of information so just take it all in.  In about 4 to 6 weeks things will start to click and come together.  I hope so because we only had two classes and I already have a set of flash cards made up.
On the flip side my mommy instinct begin to pull at me, I sat there and began to feel guilty about being there.  I talked to a former supervisor and someone I look up and she explained that she to felt the same way when she went back to school.  She gave me my pep talk and told me to leave the guilt behind and push through.  I know she's right and me being at school two nights a week isn't that bad.  But for a minute in class I started to drift and think about my babies, am I missing something? do they miss me? am I neglecting them?  Yes I wondered all of those things.  I had to shake that thinking and focus back on the class.  I know I'm a good mom(yes I have to toot my own horn sometimes) I just don't want my kids growing up saying where the hell was my mom when I fell and needed that boo boo kissed.  I know I'm over reacting but I love my kids and want the best for them and the best doesn't always mean material things but I want them to have great childhood memories.  I know somebody can understand my rant??

Overly used and abused

hating, the urban dictionary defines it as:

 When one puts down the success or fortune of others due to jealousy.

I am so sick of the use of this word, stop hatin or you just hating.  This term has taken the place of I don't know what else to say so I'm just gonna say "stop hatin".  Really?  Every opinion someone has or if I disagree with something somebody says or even when I just don't particularly care about something/someone apparently I must be "hatin".  In the past 5 days I have been told to stop "hatin" twice, now anybody that really knows me knows that there are just somethings in life, in this world that I really don't give two flying fucks and a half of a got dam about(please excuse my language I don't talk like this but I have to get my point across).  Just to name a few:  celebrities, reality tv, people who are not in my circle are just a few.  Now when I say this I mean it in every sense, no I don't want to watch an interview with lastest pop star because I really don't care what he/she has to say.  If I like a song I download it and listen to it over and over again until.  Everybody knows I looooove 50cent not because of what he has to say but mainly, no absolutely because I love looking at him, there I said it the cats out the bag.  I went to see him in concert because I love his 1st album and because I wanted him to take his shirt off.  No I don't watch award shows because I just don't care, yes someone reading this will say "stop hatin", since when does hating and not caring mean the same thing?  Nowadays people can't have an opinion without "hatin", you know the song from sesame street "one of these kids is doing his own thing" yup that's me.  For some strange reason I can't have a different view of things or just not be on the same band wagon without "hatin" rearing its ugly head.  I don't wish anything bad I don't want to trade places with anyone I don't want anything that somebody else has, one reason is I don't know what they had to do to get what they got, call me self absorbed call me strange but please lets keep "hating" in its proper place.

on the tip of my tongue

Classes started and boy am I excited, I started thinking why didn't I go back sooner.  Then again the past few years of my life have been pretty busy, crazy, dramatic however you want to call it so there wasn't much room for that.  And now that I'm back it just seems like it couldn't be any more perfect(well perfect as perfect gets).  I have had pitfalls but nothing I can't handle, people who said they would be there to help wasn't and others who are just suppose to do what they are suppose to do didn't.  Needless to say that I am a fighter and savior and I don't just say that to sound all corny and what not but its the truth.  I have a story to tell just like everyone else about the way I grew up my family my mom and dad.  When I started this blog I knew eventually that I would blog about my childhood but I wasn't sure how and when.  I"m not sure how much others know, not that I am ashamed about who I am or where I come from and what I been through because that made me who I am now and that person I am very proud of.  I talk extensively with bff about it because she to can share and understand what I'm talking about, the father knows all of that good stuff as well.  I know I'm talking all around my elbow to get to my ass so today is not the day I"m going to blog about it but it's coming.

busy busy busy

Since my family and I some how made it through the earthquake and hurricane Irene lets get back to business.....
I have to admit it felt pretty good to lay around all weekend and blame the hurricane for not leaving the house, although I did jump up around 5pm Saturday afternoon and attempt to get a mani/pedi.  Needless to say it was closed, dark and pretty much desserted all three nail shops but you know the chinese food store was wide awake and ready to serve, now that's dedication.  Any way I made my way to the supermarket bottom dollar, which by the way I love grabbed some snacks and headed back home.  I love days like that, when I get to hang out with my kids watch them play, they make me laugh well when I'm not yelling like a crazy lady telling them to pickup toys.  Just to give you an idea......




Sunday I decided to make a trip to the Walmart to get a few more things for school.  I logged onto my account and noticed some activity that didn't belong to me.  I called the bank and had them cancel my card and I started to process for the complaint and reported the fraud.  Sheesh here I am a single mom and somebody jacking my funds.  I felt pretty violated and ticked off, I took care of everything today at the bank they made the police report and I was refunded my cash.  But that didn't stop my trip to Walmart, I grabbed the last items Gia needed for school and I few things I needed.  Of course I couldn't leave without a toy for my babies, Ase got his truck and Ayanna got her new barbie doll.  After we search up and down the isle she finally located the one she saw on tv the one that dress goes up and then it comes down to be an evening gown, any way she found it.  After I checked the price I said yes you can have her, I put the one back on the shelf and grabbed the slightly darker one.  Well, Ayanna blurts out ....

Ayanna: "I don't want the brown one"
Me:        why 
Ayanna:  "Because I want to white one"
Me:        what's wrong with the brown one?
Ayanna:  I don't know I just want the white one
Me:        Well your brown and I'm brown so lets get the brown one
Ayanna:  (tears in her eyes) mommy no
Me:         listen you have white ones at home, right?
Ayanna:   yes
Me:         Well just like your classroom you have brown and white friends, lets do the same thing at home
Ayanna:   Oh ok, yes lets get the brown one.
Whew yea I can think pretty fast on my feet, needless to say we will be getting a few more brown babies.

Well classes start this evening and I am all set, I have my books I know where my classes meet, I have my notebook and pencils.  I don't have a bookbag because of course I"m to complicated to have something so simple, so I will pick something up.  I took a trip to the book store and felt like a fish out of water, I got it together quickly and even handled the security guard that was hitting on me.  I had a small monkey wrench thrown in the plans but who said......"what can go wrong, will go wrong" something like that, everything is worked out and I'm all set.

say it like you mean it

Yesterday I was doing some thinking and trying to sort out my potential funky mood I figured another aspect was the father, surprise surprise.  After giving it much thought I realized I was rather irritated and annoyed with him.  Not that he has done anything and honestly he has been nothing but great, picking up kids, doing things around the house, having pleasant conversations and really just acting very decently.  My irritation stems from just that strangely enough, well let me explain.  I'm not complaining about his much better attitude but the fact that he seems to be drawing closer to me.  When I say that I mean, you know how it is when your in a relationship you call you check in, you tell each other about your day, you talk/text very frequently you ask each other for advice and bounce things off of each other, that kind of thing.  While its nice to be able to hold a conversation with him that's not what I want.  I want to move in the opposite direction, I want to parent with him.  I hate when people say "I'm friends with my ex", bull$&*t !  I don't have sex with any of my friends, my friends are my friends they are not people I use to or want to have sex with.  As far as the ex's I want to be able to hold adult conversations, be able to be in the same room and act decently and raise and share our children, that's it.  All that mess about I just want to be friends, no I think "friends" is the wrong choice of words.  Anyway, I talked to him yesterday......

Me:    I want something else for myself this spot that we are in right now I don't like it.  2 years ago you said

          you didn't want to be me, but now you want to hang out hang around have sex, that's not working for

          me.  I know you still love me and still have the kinda of love that make two people want to be 

          together but you cant have it both ways.

him:    (silence)

me:     hello

him:    I can respect that

me:     yea you say that......i don't want you coming around a month later acting like we didn't have this

          conversation you know where I stand respect it.

him:    I'm saying i respect what your saying, yes you deserve better

me:     I think between your ego and what you think others will have to say is what is keeping you from being

           with me, real talk.  I don't plan to play this game anymore your the one who cut off you nose to spite

          your face.

him:    no ego I'm just content with being alone, I'm working on myself

me:     If your content with being alone then be content and be alone, furthermore God didnt' make us

          like that nobody wants to be alone everybody wants companionship.  Good work on you.

him:    When the time and opportunity present itself, for now I will focus on bettering myself and taking 

          of my family.

Me:    Good!

I feel really good about that conversation, I got somethings out that I have been wanting to say. 

I hate that feeling

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmed and I'm trying not to let it take over my mood completely.....

• Classes start this coming Monday and for whatever reason I am extremely nervous.  While I have things in order as far have arrangements for the kids and financial aid covered the cost of my books/tuition I really don't know what my problem is.  I stated in a previous post I know I"m nervous and excited at the same time about learning something new.  So why do I feel like a plug?  Anyway Monday and Wednesday nights I will be in class, whoo hoo!
• I also put myself back on my no carbs no sugar eating regiment(don't like the word diet) for the next two weeks.  This past weekend I felt like a totally fat a** and looked like it.  I also slacked off on the gym but regained my healthy attitude and now I'm back in the saddle.
• These people and this job can really annoy the hell out of me.  People don't want to do there job and for whatever reason they think they can get away with not doing something by saying "but I told ____" what the hell does that mean?  Does that somehow gets you off the hook of doing your job?  I swear this place is full of a bunch of tools.
• I think since I missed our weekly Tuesday girls night out it's catching up with me.  I hope undomestic goddess, will join me since I had to cancel on Tuesday.  I was extremely broke from the previous weekend and wasn't able to hang out.  Ebony and I are trying to plan for a make-up this Friday.
• Where were you during the great earthquake of 2011?
• Also I have been taking a break from dating and not for any particular reason.  The cop still texts me and wants to hang out.  I have been blowing him off since he cancelled a few times so I told him don't call me I will call you and let you know when I am available to go out.  Also the IT guy from Carlisle,PA I still talk to daily so we actually do have a connection.  He was hanging out in Philly this past weekend yes the weekend I was out of town. 
• Gia also will be starting school soon, this is a milestone for her as well since she will be going into middle school.  She is excited but then again she has always been that kid who is excited about school.

Anyway hopefully I will relax some this weekend and pull it all together.

M.I.A.

I haven't blogged in a while mainly because I just haven't been able to get my thoughts together.  "My bipolar was acting up" is what I call it when I'm sort of all over the place and in and out of funky moods.  No I haven't been diagnosed as having bipolar but I have officially named that time as bipolar.
This past weekend I went to Reading, PA for JW's annual convention.  The theme was "Let your Kingdom come", lots of people know the Lords prayer and recite it often but do they really know what they are asking for?  The convention is held at the Sovereign Center in Reading and begins Friday - Sunday all weekend during the summer.  Its 3 days of spiritual food and socializing, I usually stay in Reading for the 3days because its a lot to drive up and down the highway each day.  So I make it a little mini vacation with the kids, we always have a nice time they get to go swimming each night and we usually try to go to dinner on Saturday night.  The center is packed with 5,000 JW's from all over the region (NJ, NY, Maryland, DE and PA) we always meet new people and the discourse are always excellent and true to what people are going through during this tough time.  On Saturday and Sunday there is a full custom drama, Sunday the drama was the story of Joseph and it paralleled with a modern day version of the story.  Saturday it was a drama about a family and the theme was why is it important to have your family worship regularly.  I really enjoyed it and I am so happy and grateful to belong to such a wonderful organization, I spent most of the morning session in the baby room with the other nursing moms and toddlers but I was still able to hear the talks given because there was a speaking in the room. 
We got back Sunday around 5pm, and of course I forgot I left the house not so tidy.  Toys toys toys at least the dishes was done and I didn't come back to any dirty diapers I might have forgot to dispose of.  As far as the toys I'm out numbered so not much I can do there but continue to yell.  I would like to find someone I can hire on a weekly basis to come over and do a through cleaning without killing my pockets.
So back to work Monday although I have a half a day, I'm going to the dentist and boy am I worried.  I made a late afternoon appointment since I couldn't see myself going to work after the dentist.

Wow, really?!??

Friday bff and I went to the fish fry she bought tickets it was at the down the way ghetto bar.  I knew we would have go time but sheesh.  So Ebony met me at my place we played dress up deciding which jewelry to wear and how to do our make up and off we went.  A girl from her job gave the event which I found out that people do this kind of thing just to raise some money which often times for themselves.(didn't know that)  But we got our hot plate of grease chicken or fish and french fries.  I decided to stray away from what we normally drink and went waaaay out left field and ordered a Long Island.  I kinda felt like lets get straight to the point, Ebony soon followed my lead.  Now this is the kinda place where they are pretty heavy handed on the pouring and the guys there are always willing to but a pretty lady a drink.  So after we bought the 1st round needless to say the other 2 just ended up in front of us courtesy of the guy winking across the room.  Straight to the point we went, all I remember is answering the phone and the father asking me where are we.  Ebony told him, apparently we where between drunk street and really f'ed up road.  The father appeared out of no where and told me to park and get in the car.  He drove us home, although I don't remember.  Bff has this thing when she drinks alot she tends to talk, alot!  He drove her home then me, the next morning I didn't have a hangover I felt pretty good just tired.  I did notice my clothes where all over the room and I was completely naked, hum wonder what happened there.  I picked up my car and spent most of Saturday dragging around trying to complete house work while stealing a few naps.

school girl

In four weeks I start on the next adventure in my life, school.  Yes I know for some that may seem like not a big deal but for me I am pretty nervous about it.  August 29th starts the semester and it is approaching rather quickly as well as the end of the summer.  When I was a kid(wow that sounded old) it use to feel like the summer went on forever but now that I am not waking up at 12noon and running up and down the block playing hide n seek and skating it just flies by.  And it doesn't help that come mid July we are bombarded with back to school sales.  Anyway, I think I more nervous about learning something new, I decided to go back for my degree as a paralegal.  I thought about it alot I am excited that I am going to be doing something I actually find interesting and to some aspect exciting.  I will be taking two evening classes, I hope the classes are full of working adults like myself I can't imagine having to be in a class full of kids straight out of high school, yuck!
Tonight I have plans to hang out with the bff, she bought some more tickets to a ghetto fish fry.  I can't wait!
Also since it's almost the end of the summer I decided to skip out on some bills(yea yea yea) and treat myself and the kids to some fun things.  Sometimes doing this adult responsible thing gets really old and tiresome, no worries I will pay for it later when I have to play catch up but who cares!?!

such is life

The past week things have been good.  Friday I took off work and went to Dorney Park(I know, big kid) a co worker actually talked me into.  Its not something I would have done on my own but I actually had a great time.  I got on a few roller coasters and got dizzy and screamed like a school girl, I felt like somebodies mother.  The lines where short and didn't take long to get on the rides, but if you live any where near the Northeast area of the country you where dealing with the humidity as well.  The good thing once we where all hot and sweaty we just walked over to Wildwater Kingdom and cooled off on the water rides/slides.  I'm glad I went like I said I would have never planned to go on my own.
Other side of news the guy I mentioned previously with the $$ problems can't seem to take a hint.  I haven't called/text, when he calls I don't answer right away if he texts I will respond in a very dry manner.  I don't if he's really getting the hint.  I don't want to be out right rude but I also don't want to talk to Danny Downer, seriously the last straw was he asked what I was doing this weekend I told him about Dorney Park and he responds "sounds fun, if I had some extra pennies I would go".  Seriously, seriously who invited you and extra pennies??  That's enough!
The guy from Carlisle(sp?), Pa stills seems to be pretty interested and we talk regularly.  I don't really know if I am the long distance type but it really doesn't matter right now, I am enjoying my life right now the way it is.  So no hurry or no pressure from the relationship scene, just talking/dating and enjoying company I'm good with that right now.
And honestly how can I be ready to get into a serious relationship when, yes I"m going to say it "I'm still dealing with the exhusband" on so many different levels.  We talk more and honestly seem to be closer than ever right now, strange as it is.  Anyway Ebony and are headed out for our weekly hang out, we haven't decided where tonight.  Any ideas?

smh

Last week CHOP(children's hospital of Philadelphia) called me and asked if I wanted to participate in a study.  Initially I was like ummm no, I work during the week and really don't have time but then she mentioned it starts at 530pm and it pays for parking and I will receive $50bucks.  Well in that case sure I would participate.  I know it seems a little cheesy but hay $50 is plenty pocket money for my wawa coffee runs in the morning to work.  From 5:30 to 7pm not bad at all, the study is about the growth of children between the ages of 9 and 14.  My oldest is 12 so yes I have plenty to say, you don't have to disclose any personal information they just want to hear opinions of the family. The study is tonight and I will be there ready to give my opinion and hoping that I can get more information on any other upcoming studies.  They also invited the other parent and they to would receive $50 as well.

I have been talking/texting the guy I met at Ruby Tuesday's sometime back(he lives in Delaware, 30y/o) and the conversations are sometimes weird.  For instance last Tuesday when I went out to Mad Mex he called when I was getting dressed, he asked if I wanted to go out to Warm Daddies the next day I said sure.  He then asked what was I doing I told him getting dressed to go out, then he says OH well since your going out tonight then maybe we should go out Thursday.  I told him no Thursday is no good for me lets stick with Wed, his whole mood change and he seemed pretty annoyed......why??
The next day I texted in the morning and he didnt' respond until about 4 hours later and his response was "morning", that's it.  Dude whats your problem?
I decided to get some space and just not text/call, he calls and we have a normal conversation and I ask him is something wrong.(which I don't understand why he would call me if he got something on his mind)  he says yes I'm just having a little money problem.  I said oh OK well that's normal everybody go through that, he then says well between rent and child support he's jacked.  Of course my initial thought is so why are you trying to date??  I said to him oh wow, those two things you can't budge on so maybe you need to find other avenues of money.  I was turned off even more just because that was a little too much information and not something you really tell someone you just met.  So I"m really not sure what now, talking/texting is cool but um that gets old after while if you don't add going out into the mix.

mmmmmm

Its Saturday and the sun has heated up the area to 100degrees, like whoa.  The father picked up the girls this morning they went to Neshaminy park. Its a nice place they have 3 pools activities for kids and a picnic area.  So Ase and I hung out in the air condition.  Ebony and I was suppose to take the kids to the please touch museum but she ended up with car problems.  I wasn't terribly upset I'm actually ok right here being a couch potato under the air condition.  Tonight is the Rhianna concert at the Wells Fargo Center(formerly Wachovia center) I fully intended to take my oldest when I heard about the concert back in Feb or March.  I didn't buy the tickets saying to myself I will get them later and of course later turned into me remembering until yesterday which means I didn't factor the money in to the budget.  Well there will be more concerts maybe I will keep my eye on Atlantic City and make it an over night trip for us.
What's everyone else doing on this hot Saturday?

why not

Hey noticed alot more traffice on my blog =), which is great! Go ahead follow me hell leave a comment, I won't bite.

all around the Mulberry bush

before I get around the Mulberry bush, Tuesday night Ebony and another friend and myself all went down to Mad Mex.  I find that doing something during the week breaks up that feeling of no life and all I do is work and take care of kids.  Ebony and I both felt that way so we decided to hit up one of our new favorite spots.  We had a great time of course I ordered there famous big ass Margarita and we all shared the grande nachos.  I have totally been off of my watch what you put in your mouth kick.  Which incidentally I decided the kids and I are going to eat out tonight and I want a cheese steak(SMH).  Anyway we talked girl/woman/kids/men stuff, then all of a sudden the father starts texting me which lead me to the mulberry bush.  Now I'm sitting at the table and initially I am discussing this new hot guy and here comes the father.  Every since I decided that we will no longer have a sexual relationship he turned into Mr.Communication, talking, texting all the time returning calls promptly and just being very attentive.  Of course once he found out I was out he texted me(not talking about anything) all night until I got home and had the nerve to ask me to send him a picture of me out.  Yeah Ebony and I laughed out loud about that one.
So yesterday again he texted me all day then he asked me out, yes my jaw dropped too.  Last night we went out just for some drinks nothing to major.  He left this morning, yes all around the Mulberry bush.

girl stuff

I have been having so much haven't had the time to blog.  I had a wonderful weekend Saturday my Jewelry demo which turned into Jewelry/Makeup demo turned out great.  Initially it was just gonna be Jewelry but I remembered I had a friend who does Mary Kay and I invited her to come and do her demo as well.  So we had make up in the dining room and Jewelry in the living room it was great.  I made food and my famous rum punch, not everyone came out but the people that did had a great time.  I love to entertain, I think in my other life I am an event planner.
Sunday a co worker gave her daughter a graduation party and that turned out to be awesome as well.  It was an all white party, I love themed parties, I topped my outfit off with my newly bought accessories.  Gold earrings with green stones, nude color pumps and green color Juicy Couture bag.  We had a great time the food and music all very good.  When I go out I go out to have a good time I don't stand around barely talking, I"m a big flirt, I enjoy myself.  I have a big personality and I don't hold back, I'm at a party....hello!  People that don't know me or only know me at work think oh she must me drunk.  Not at all, I rarely get "drunk", as I have explained to others just because I am the person who can be themselves and not care what others say or how they judge doesn't mean I somehow must be out of my right mind.  So now that I got that out.  The night was wonderful.
I have been texting/talking to the guy that I met at the fish fry at Lou and Choo's sometime back.  He is a total babe, I find myself being extra flirting and some what slutty when I talk to him.  I admit some guys bring that out more than others and he is that guy.  I haven't been this physically attracted to a guy as much since the father.  Not saying that the other guys I talk/talked to where not attractive but it's something about this dude.  He asked me out and I have to admit I'm worried, I'm worried that I just might want to jump his bones right away.  Not that I want to make him my boyfriend or anything, only because he doesn't strike me as the boyfriend type.  But I totally wouldn't mind him being my boy toy, I know I am so out of control.
It's summer!!

what a world we live in

so last night I watched the documentary "Becoming Chaz" on the OWN network.(yea Oprah just never stops)  Those of you that don't know, which I don't see how but it documents Chasity Bono(sp?) Cher and Sonni Bono only child transform herself from a woman to a man.  I"m not sure if I am politically correct.  They go back to pictures and skits of her earlier years on her parents tv show and she is the cutest little blonde hair little girl.  Then it just jumps to this fat chubby short haired guy who had surgery to remove his/her breast and faithfully injected testosterone in his buttock while running the risk of cancer.  Watching interviews with Cher it seemed obvious that she was not thrilled that her only daughter decided to make this transition.  I found myself wondering how would I feel, react if one of my children decided to do such a thing.  I know for sure that I would not be happy or even a little bit understanding of such a thing but then I said my love is not conditional for my children but I just know that I would not be that parent who embraces this.  I felt a sadness for not only Cher but Chaz, Chasity which by the way she also legally changed her name to Chaz.  But a sadness from a mom stand point, she no longer has a daughter who she could watch grow into a women.  Talking about guys, being a bride,getting pregnant giving birth, having grandchildren, shopping for pretty dresses, make up hair all those things that seperate girls from boys, not to say that she can't do all those things but come on seriously.  And not to say that all girls grow up to do those things but yes more likely than not.  Anyway I couldn't imagine having to deal with something so tragic.

Cougar town??

Monday I planned a quick meet up with another guy I have been talking to.  We met at the Ruby Tuesday by the airport, ironically this is the same place the father and I had our first date all those years ago.  Anyway we sat and talked and enjoyed each others conversation.  He's divorced, has one son live/works in Delaware which isn't that bad he said once he gets on 95s it was about a 20min drive.  I enjoyed talking with him he seems a little high strung or maybe he was somewhat nervous.  After I found out he was 30y/o the bubble kinda deflated, not that something is wrong with 30 I just really don't want to date anyone younger than me. (UGGG did I just reveal my age)  The father is 3y/o younger than I am and I just want to go the opposite direction.  Not that men can't be old and stupid I just would like to date someone a little more seasoned maybe show me something different and very comfortable with taking the lead if needed.  Yes I know age doesn't always determine that about someone.  This guy seemed smart and interesting so we will see.

its true, atleast im being honest....(hee hee)

and so should you!

I just want something else

I hate when I get this huge rush of overwhelming feelings and emotions.  24 hours ago I was relaxed chillin pretty much content with things.  I hate that the father can still some how turn things upside down for me. Yesterday I was invited to a friends BBQ the girls was over my mom's so that left Ase.  I asked the father if he could hang out with him, of course he was so busy and wouldn't be able to.  Something I didn't find shocking,so I had Ebony as a back up.  Around 11am guess who shows up at my house unannounced?  You know it, I was thrown off because he really doesn't do that regularly.  Yes he has pulled that a few times in the past but not lately.  I'm thinking that since you said you where so busy what are you doing at my place?  Anyway he have been totally lurking on me lately and I have been ignoring him.  I explained to him several times that I no we won't be having sex anymore.  I'm much tired of that song and dance, I can't move forward and put him behind me if I continue to screw him.  So he hangs around until about 1:30pm and leaves after Ase and I fall asleep on the couch.  So why do I feel so crappy?  It's stressful enough moving on and starting over but then to add this factor in doesn't help.  Yes I held my ground and honestly I didn't find it difficult but I feel funky.  Why can't he leave me alone?  So now that I feel like this I ask myself what should I do about it?  I know I can only control me, I thought about limiting the interaction/contact with him.  We really don't need to interact as much as we do.  In the past I set him up with clothes and medication at his place so when he picked them up from the daycare he wouldn't have any reason to come over my house.  For whatever reason he brought all the clothes back and never got more.  I"m frustrated because this is ruffling my feathers and I don't know why.(sigh)  Anybody understand what/why/how I feel??

and were off

We have kicked off the summer official with our 1st trip to the beach Sunday.  It turned out to be a great day despite the morning.  Usually my trips to the beach consist of some friends with kids, that way everybody has someone to talk/play with.  This year I asked a few people and no one was able to go, so I asked the father and surprisingly he said yes.  I spoke with him Saturday afternoon to confirm what time he will be there and when we will be leaving.  Everything seemed to be going as planned, then I get a text 8am Sunday morning saying something really stupid about being tired and his back and that he wouldn't be able to go.  Of course I was pissed, not because I wanted him to go but because I just didn't feel comfortable/safe at the beach with 3 kids.  Gia likes to get on her buggy board and really get out there, Ayanna is too short to really hang with her sister and I need to keep an eye on Ase.  Which is why I always ask others to come along, but of course I wouldn't let other people be the deciding factor in what I do for my kids so off we went.  The cooler, food, blankets, buggy boards, shovels, buckets, umbrellas, sun block, sun glasses, beach towels and swimmers all was loaded in the white Pontiac and we road out to the beach.  Things turned out great, we all got in the water Gia took her sister out and played with her.  They dug sand ditches and Ase wasn't comfortable with the sand on his feet and we laughed at him as he fell over in the water.  We had a wonderful time.  After we were done on the beach of course we hit the boardwalk, funnel cake and ice cream was a must(for kids not me).  The girls road some rides and Ase laid in his stroller totally exhausted just watching everything.  We left around 7pm and Ayanna had the sad face(of course) but I assured her we will come back.









Wednesday girls had there 6month check up at the dentist, Ase had his 2 weeks prior the father took him.  Apparently he cried the whole time but he is cavity free along with Ayanna but unfortunately Gia was not.  She was pretty upset about to, I'm not allowed back with Gia only Ayanna because of the age I guess so here are a few pics of her.





I have already began to plan our major trip for this summer, this will be to Niagara Falls.  I'm so excited and after much debate I have decided to just drive there.  I'm not looking forward to a 6 hour drive but I'm going to do it.  My plan is to leave at 6am, bring lots of snacks, make stops on the way and buy a portable DVD player.  Yaaaaay! road trip!

On the other side of my life, the guy I met at Mad Mex did not turn out to be someone I want to continue to get to know.  I'm still talking to guy #1(from previous post) the IT guy that lives in Carlisle(sp?) Pa.  We both agree that we don't like the distance but we still want to met and see what happens.  I have a lunch date set up for Sunday with Mr.Officer(guy#3).  We was suppose to met several times but I flaked a couple of times, we work opposite of each other.  I have added another person guy #4 he will be called, he's from Claymont DE, which isn't that far from Phila area.  He has been added to mix of texting/talking, he is from Boston, divorced moved here to be closer to his son.  I forgot what he does, dang so many men can't keep up with who is who. SMH but like I said girl needs options and a good stable to chose from.

baby steps

Since I decided to get out and start dating things have started off not half bad.  Friday I set up to meet guy #2 previous post .  He explained that he was meeting a group off people at Mad Mex, in University area.  Initially I wasn't comfortable with a group setting so he suggested I bring someone, of course my someone was the very married Ebony.  The place was great, I like the atmosphere and the crowd, Ebony and I said that we come back just hang.  Anyway we get there and guy#2 is sitting at a booth with just one other guy.......ummmm what happen to the group??  They both were pretty descent looking so it wasn't bad, they both where wearing sunglasses in a very dark restaurant which is socially corny.  So we order margaritas and talk, guy#2 ordered everyone some loaded nachos, mmm mmm good.  The conversation we had was simple, everyone had a nice sense of humor and the evening was enjoyable.  We where sitting in a booth and we had some slight physical interaction, you know him touching my sholder when we laughed rubbing elbows due to the lack of space, suttle things I guess.  I think this is what I really don't like about the online dating thing.  I am not use to the awkwardness of meeting someone and having them checking you out to see if they like you or not and vice verse.  I"m use to a guy approaching me or again vice verse and exchanging info and begin the process that way.  Since you see the person initially you know whether or not there is a mutual attraction.  Of course you have pics on your profile but seeing someone in person with the whole 3D effect is totally different.  Anyway they walked us to the car, which I have to say I was thinking wow two car seats in the back of my car, ummmmm probably not sexy(LOL).  We talk a little more he gives me a hug once and then a hug twice, which I didn't mind.  Seemed like I nice evening, right?  So the next day I get a text from him saying he is so embarrassed.  I said huh?  Why are you embarrassed?  He tells me doesn't drink and since he had a drink he didn't feel like himself.  He is so sick and his stomach is killing him.  I'm pretty annoyed, he ordered a big azz margarita(that's the name of the drink) which was the same drink Ebony and I had.  The flavor he ordered was honey dew....??  I would say he drank about 1/4 of the drink and your totally wasted.  Needless to say I was irked because if you don't drink then why would you order a drink filled with tequila??  I said well I'm sorry to hear that your feeling sick.  That was all I could muster up, I don't know it seemed stupid and strange, I don't know maybe I'm not reading between the lines are reading to much into it....
Anyway Sunday we found ourselves at a fish fry at Lou and Choo's, a bar in north philly.  Ebony bought some tickets for us last weekend and we had a great time.  It was from 5pm- 9pm, we ate listened to music and had a great view of some eye candy.  Since I grew up in north philly I saw alot of familiar faces.  I eventually established eye contact with a nice looking guy and we flirted across the bar for most of the evening.  He bought us all some drinks and by the end of the night we exchanged numbers. 
I had nice buzz by the end of the night and had moment of weakness and texted the father...oh lawd!  He texted back but after I realized what I did, I just didn't respond.  I know, I don't know whatever..........

a girl needs option

After a break and much thought I decided to get back out there in the dating world.  I got back back online and decided to update my profile and start actually responding to messages. So far what I have gotten back isn't bad, I have been exchanging emails with 3 guys.  This just takes me back to my old Temple day, juggling 3 to 5 five guys at a time.  Having a date just about every weekend and the occasional no scratch that, the regular weekly dinners out during the week.  So anyway, I have worked up to talking/texting all three guys(hee hee) and I enjoy all the conversations.  I find myself talking to one and the line is beeping with another and then I'm torn as to who I want to talk to more.  Remember my phone time is so limited, it's usually on my ride home and once I get to the daycare I end all conversation.  Reason being I cannot be talking to someone and have Ase in the back round yelling while Ayanna is patting me saying "mommy mommy".(not sexy)

-guy 1 originally from Atlanta, I hear a slight county accent.  He lives in Carlisle, PA works in a government bldg as IT guy.  Has 2 children(i think) seven year old son lives with him.  He has family in Southwest Philly, dad from Phila, mom from GA.  Very nice, says he can cook and knows how to plan a date.  As far as looks pretty decent pics not hard on the eyes.  Former military guy, divorced but says he would get married again, last relationship ended 3 months ago

-guy 2 from Phila, PA works out near Collegeville(i think) in Juvenile justice system.  Works 2nd shift, never been married, has 17y/o daughter which is pregnant(OMG, I know) so he will be a grandfather in July.  He's 37 had daughter when he was in high school.  Wants to get married and have a child(uh oh?)  Awesome cook he once catered a small wedding of 50 people(cool)  good looking, last serious relationship was a little over a year ago

-guy 3, Philadelphia police officer on the force for 8 years loves his job.  Has 2 children, not to bad looking never been married.  Has great sense of humor always laughing when I'm talking to him.  I have talked to him the least out of everyone.

Planning to met each one at least by the weekend, what do you think of the stable?

Graduation

Last Thursday Gia graduated from elementary school(tear) and is headed off to Middle school. I can't believe how she is growing into such a young lady.  The father and I was there and things went very well, she got awards, as expected not to brag but she is an excellent student.  The little ceremony ran about an hour, I have to admit I found myself thinking "sheesh this is kinda long", but it was cute.  Afterward she wanted to go to Olive Garden but the graduation ended a little after 10am so it was too early to go there.  The father took us to breakfast and then he went off back to work.  We went back to the house, I did a few things and later on I took her to dinner at the Olive Garden.  Here she is.....with the father as well.








Also Saturday was her Graduation BBQ and things turned out pretty well.  I think I did pretty good with the food and the bbq.  Lots of her friends showed up, I know that was pretty important.  A hand full of my guest came out and everyone said they had a nice time.  the Undomestic Goddess came over, its been awhile since she has seen Gia.  If I remember correctly Gia was 4 or 5 years old when she first met her, we laughed at how big she is and how time flies.  Everyone was pretty entertained at my ex-mother in law, UGGGG.  She is always a spectical, which is a shame but it's true.  I always refer to her as an old hoochie, you know lady who thinks she still young enough to wear a half-shirt, the old lady in the bar talking about she still got it, the one who just doesn't want to act her age, that's her!  It's funny because the father just ignores her and he does it so well that if they in the same room you wouldn't even think that he knows her.  Anyway everyone had a good time, the next day I was exhausted and I was pretty much in and out of sleep all day.

officially

Just before I left work I got a call from the legal document place saying my official divorce papers are available to be picked up.  I admit I was excited, I was excited to be done with this part of my life.  I was excited because I don't feel like I'm walking around with something hanging over me.  I was excited because I feel in control of my life.  Before I filed Ebony suggested that I have a sit down heart to heart with the father, I said no.  I told her I felt like it was nothing else to talk about.  We had conversations and I tried having heart to heart discussions with him, with no success because he is/was full of anger.  But she felt like that was quite sometime ago and so many things have changed since our initial split.  I agree but I feel like it's nothing else to be said.  Is that my defense talking?  I don't know but I am just at the spot when enough is enough.  When I told my mom she said "hmmm", of course I asked what does that mean.  She went on to tell me that she doesn't think either of us are over each other and anybody can see it if they are in the same room.  While I can agree with her all I can do is control me.  I have to plan and live my life how I want and see fit and not on the maybe's or the what ifs.  I don't regret filing, I don't regret making the decision to move forward.  The life I am making for myself is turning out rather good.  Do I still have love for the father, of course!  Am I able to move on with my life and be happy, of course!  Did things turn out how I envisioned, no!  But it's ok, I"m ok and life is good.  Sh*& happens things change and the beat goes on, so in the words of Bart Simpson "eh whatta you gonna do?!"

headache....

So two weeks ago the father calls me when I'm leaving work to say he can't pick up the kids.  I decided to let him know how I felt about that previous post  So here it is almost three weeks later and your still acting like your mad?!!?? WTF....excuse me but WTF?? seriously!  Why do you have the attitude, because since then you haven't picked up your kids nor called them.  Then when I call/text you, you don't answer.  I can't deal with these silly games.  Are you mad because when I gave you a piece of my mind something I said struck a nerve??!?  So of course life goes on and I don't have to call/text because we are good over here.
Last week was Ayanna small preschool graduation, you text me talking about what time is it.  I said look I"m not playing these games, if you have something to say pick up the phone.  That's why I was calling you because I wanted to coordinate a gift for her.  Of course he doesn't call and he must have figured out the time because he showed up.  Then this morning you text me asking when is Gia graduation, leave me the F#@$ alone.  Especially because once again I texted/called last week to coordinate with you about her graduation too.  I have decided to ignore all texts from him I can't keep allowing myself to be bothered with this silly behavior.  If he wants to talk about our children then he will have to call and honestly I'm not sure I am willing to answer the phone right now.  I always put my feelings aside for my children, that's what any good parent would do.  But right now I am not dealing with him at all.  Whether it's wrong, right or indifference that's just what I'm doing.