emotional wreck

I have been dating dj for the past 18 months and it has been an emotional, drama filled and passionate relationship. Sometimes I don't know why I stay and at the same time I love him, I hate our relationship sometimes. He doesn't communicate well but at the same time he has made huge changes and our communication has gotten 10times better. I know he loves me because I feel it and at the same time I question how he feels about me. My frustration with him is whenever I express myself and tell him something he may have did or something I don't like or something that happen he gets upsets and somehow becomes the victim. I know he has a passive aggressive personality, his favorite line "i'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't", I hate the passive aggressive person, I'm complete opposite. Always ready to deal with something head on, wanting to resolve it so I can move past it. I hate the lingering of things, not talking, just sitting on whatever it is and letting it simmer until it explodes. Monday I called off the relationship mostly because its lacking see previous post *http://divahasspoken.blogspot.com/2014/09/when-those-demons-start-talking.html (that came out ugly), and I know that hurts my feelings the most. He tells me how wonderful I am and I am the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. So I don't understand why when I ask him to do some of the small things that he know I like, you the mushy stuff some girls like. The things that don't cost anything it always seem like its a problem. And no he doesn't say its a problem and honestly he has done some of those things but its always far and few. Am I asking for too much? In the same breath I say hell no....I'm not talking about things that cost $$, I'm talking about that feeling that men give the woman in there life that makes her feel special. And not that I don't know I'm special to him again I just hate that comfortable position. Anyway its only Thursday and the break up is killing me, sadly I really feel like this is the right thing to do but my feelings are extremely hurt and I miss him. Feel like I'm talking crazy, rambling on, saying two things at the same time.....I'm glad your back blog!

when those demons start talking

everybody have they own inner voice and as I get older I am well aware of mine. I have finally understood what my inner voice is saying about my relationship with men. I find myself never really having a problem meeting and getting into relationships, not to sound concieted but men always tend to want me to be their girlfriend. I don't see that as a bad thing, I guess it says something good about me. I always enjoy the beginning stage of the relationship, you know when the guy gives you all this attention and trying his best to capture the girl. What always happen is they conquer me and I enjoy every bit of it but then the long term relationship start to evolve into the comfort zone. You know, they have you now and everybody suppose to be happy and everybody is except me. I start to get bored and unhappy and I know the man in my life at the time loves me but I just lose interest. I start to feel alone, neglected and just bored. While I understand the begining stage is just infatuation and doesn't run deep like the love that two people have when they are together for a long time, I just hate how my boyfriends always get comfortable and stop doing those things that make me smile and feel warm and tingly. I do tell them and I am always coming up fun things to do to keep the relationship exciting but they just don't ever turn it back up like it was in the beginning. I start to feel bitchy and then I just end up venduring off to find the greener grass. I know that is not how life is but why can't I have someone who wants to keep things fun and exciting too? Then it never fails, I find greener grass after bitching for a long time and then they finally get the kick up the ass and want to do right. Sadly by then I dont even want to be with him anymore and cant seem to go back, its weird because I do still love the person but by then I'm all out of that kind of love. I know I can't keep going like this, I will end up alone and not that I'm not ok with alone I just don't understand why I would have to. I wonder where is that man thats wants and exciting woman and wants to be an exciting man.

i'm sorry blog....

Wow...I have to apologize to you blog, I have neglected you, I have ignored you and I let my emotions get in the way of reconnecting with you. I have thought of you often and couldn't bring myself to face you and now that I truely see how important you are to me, here I am. On many occasions I said to myself I need to blog just to feel better but selfishly I didn't but mostly out of frustration. But I am hoping to reconnect with you and keep you in my life and see you regulary.

do you like like him or just like him?

Wow it has been a month since I have blog and honestly I was avoiding it for some odd reason.  Every time I would open up the internet I would intentionally not click on blogger, I wanna say I'm not sure what that was about but I think I know what it was about.  Its been totally about route 26, I didn't want to blog to much about him again why I don't know but when I think about I think its because I actually like him and it scares me.  It scares me for so many different reasons:

• I haven't like like someone in a really long time, hell lets face it I haven't like like someone since the father.  And in all honesty I don't know how I feel about that, the rebellious side of me says fuck it and just like the dam boy but the very rational side of me says no way get out now while its still early. 
• I think about why waste time and energy with someone and it doesn't go anywhere.  Not to say that he some loser dude and doesn't have a future because I wouldn't even bother with him if that was the case.  I just think the age difference is so drastic.  Yes he is quite younger than me but when we hanging out it doesn't feel that way.  He totally knows how to take control(which I like in a guy) he makes me feel sexy and attractive(not that I don't know I already am) and I just have a great time even when we just chillin at his place.
• Which leaves me back to the original bullet of it makes me nerves and scares me that I like him.  Of course I'm playing it cool just because that's my steez(style), he always make reference as to our future and what we are going to do, where we going to live and etc.  I think its cute.  He also drops settle statements like "I would be jealous if you were out with someone else", I know he likes me back but I'm more concerned with my feelings.  I don't want to be that woman who is scared to let go and like like someone, I guess because I know I'm not really like that.  We are going to Atlantic City this Friday to see Trey Songz and Big Sean in concert(pics coming), I'm so excited for the concert and to spend the weekend with him.

(sigh)

"I got a story to tell" - notorious b.i.g

Friday morning I woke up to my oldest throwing up all over her bed oh and I went to bed cleaning up the bathroom because the middle child was throwing up as well, which means I had to call out.  Which I was pretty annoyed since I like to use my sick time to do something fun not actually for what it's meant for but I'm mommy so oh well.  I tended to sick kids all day but not before I took that annoying little boy of mines to the daycare, yes I did he was the only one that wasn't sick and he had already started to annoy everyone by trying to push Ayanna out of my bed, he swear he owns me.  So of course by noon my stomach started to feel queasy and I'm not the vomiting type so I ended up with diarrhea(i know TMI) and what felt like a diaper rash but that lasted all of Friday and was pretty much over by Sat and the same for them.  But of course that didn't stop my Friday night shenanigans......
Earlier I had texted route 26 and told him that I didn't want to drink because my stomach was upset, his response "boooooooo".  So we ended up hanging out around my area at Caseys', which is pretty much a mixed crowd restaurant/bar.  Of course he gets me a drink and is trying to convince me that if I drink it may help my stomach(really??) so now I'm drinking and worried that the bubble guts are going to start in the bar.  He assures me that if I do get the bubble guts its ok and I'm still sexy(*rolling eyes).  He's playing pool and I'm watching when all of a sudden this white chick comes up to me and says "hi I wanted to come over and tell you that your man is a fucking hottie, I'm not trying to be disrespectful because are a gorgeous woman but he is a total fucking hottie".  Ummmm ok!  She then goes on to tell me that she is usually not attracted to black guys, hispanic guys and white guys with blonde hair blue eyes, she only like italian men, men with light skin dark hair and dark eyes and her name is Krista.(by the way Krista and her crew are no spring chickens, she is a mother of 4 with 1 grandchild, she looks great, she has these huge breast that she insist on sitting on my arm because she is so close to me)  So I'm totally caught off guard, I tell her ok I don't feel no disrespect yes I agree he is a hottie and he's not black or hispanic but thanks.  By then she had made me part of her crew she's introducing me to her friends and even her dark hair dark eye boyfriend of 4 years Bob!  She then introduces me to a very drunk Kevin(another one of her friends) who starts to obsess over me.  He sits across from me and starts telling how pretty I am and asking who am I here with.  I let him know that my friend is over there at this point route 26 see's what happening and walks over, Kevin gets up and that's the end, you would think.  Krista insist that I come over to the bar and do some shots with her and her crew, I really don't want to but route 26 thinks its funny and is pushing me to go ahead.  We did a shot called chocolate covered pretzel and it was extremely good, here comes Kevin on the other side of me.  Again telling me how much he is attracted to me(ugggg).  Krista tells him don't even try it Kevin she is a beautiful women and don't be just trying to get some pussy......WHAT! Whoa whoa whoa now how did we end up here?!?!!  She going on about if he likes me then he should take me out with all of them tomorrow for lunch around 2pm because they all are meeting up.  I'm trying to get a word in and explain that won't be necessary all the while I"m looking over for route 26 and moving my chair back so I can make my escape.  Bob(krista's boyfriend) calls her over, when she walks away I go to get up and Kevin comes around the other side and is now face to face with me, asking am I ok to get home.  I tell him I'm fine I told you I'm here with someone I go to get up and he tries to kiss me....WTF?!?!!  I push him and walk over to where I was sitting, I didn't realize that he was following me, as I'm sitting down I see him and he is yelling "what why because of him".  What in the world?!?!! Route 26 at this point is walking over toward him asking "what the fuck is going on and what is your problem"   oh lawd!!  Kevin comes to his senses and apologizes and walks away.
I swear see what happens when I jump back out in the dating realm

we a bad combo

Yea Wednesday night bestie and I find our way hanging out at the gangsta boogie and we had a guuuuuud time.  Of course she got to my house late and I was under my covers in my bed, we started with some tropical rum  at my house which was really sweet so we just drank it straight.  I think we got there around 1030 which is unusual for me, I'm the person who if I don't leave the house atleast by 9 I'm not going and I'm cool with it.  I don't know what that's about but anyway I saw a former co-worker, now this guy really liked me when we worked together and didn't care that I was married at the time.  He always mad comments about how he wanted to take me out, he liked me and even once said that he wanted to me to take his money.  I saw him and of course he started buying drinks and half way thru the night him and bestie was sister and brother dancing and really carrying on.  I gave him my number and said I would let him take me out and he was very excited to find that I was no longer a married women.  We ended up staying alot longer than we thought since we were having such a good time.  This morning I wasn't too banged up and was able to pull myself together and get to work about 930am, shortly after I got in my office he called me and asked if I wanted breakfast.  Sure!  So he stopped at the diner and brought me an omelet, sausage and o.j to my office soooooo I'm thinking I will keep him around for awhile.

Oh what a night...or two maybe three

I need to get my mind into school work although the semester only started last week I have plenty reading that needs to be done.  Contract law already requires reading 3 chapters which is alot but we didn't have class yesterday because of MLK day so I got some time.  My family law class is tonight and I started reading the chapter yesterday, I should be done by tonight.
I'm so preoccupied with guys I feel like a teenage girl, this past weekend was really ridiculous.  I hung out with route 26 Fri, Sat and Sun I know ridiculous.  He has been occupying my weekends for the past 4 wknds, I don't know whats wrong with me I haven't even made time for the other guy I was talking and that is not like me I like to keep my options open until I'm sure about the other person.  Friday I wanted to hangout with bestie and go to Big Bang in center city(bar/lounge) but "26" insisted that we see each other because he was working overtime this weekend and wasn't sure when we would see each other again.  So we end up hanging out playing pool and this cute bar/lounge in his neighborhood of course I was the darkest person in the room which really didn't matter to me just thought it was kinda funny.  We had a good time I was pretty tipsy and he did mention that I was much loser than usual, in a good way.  Sat we ended up around the way in north philly at the clock bar, which I call the gangsta boogie.  Neighborhood ghetto bar that serves awesome drinks and to die for seafood and I know they make plenty money and refuse to do and renovations to the place.  We ate and drank, I swear I cannot hang like I use to it took everything in me to keep my eyes open.  Then Sun we just hung out at his place and relaxed and talked alot about what we looking for, other people we seeing, how interested are we in each other which I barely could do because I was soooo sleepy.  Part of me feels like how can I be in something serious with someone so much younger than I am and then I think about how men do it all the time.  So I decided to not over think it go with the flow and see what happens.   I did fall asleep for a bit and end up getting home like 3am and had to be to work at 8am.  Yea I'm doing too much.

Route 26

Things are under way officially, classes started last night and of course the annoying lady from the last class is in this one as well.  Yes the annoying one that said:

Professor:                whats the difference from criminal law and civil law?

Annoying lady:         the difference between criminal law and civil law is, umm ummm criminal law

                                 is not civil law......

Professor:             (blank stare) any one else?

Yes her, since we have the same major I guess I'm not surprised to see her whatever but she appears to be ready to annoy the class already raising her hand at every little thing the prof said last night. 
The past two weekends I have been hanging out with 26 and have been having a great time.  I"m still pretty tickled with myself at the idea of our age difference since I'm a lady I wont reveal my age but I am quite older.  He lives in the far Northeast in a pretty nice neighborhood which is were we hung out the first time we went out but this past Friday he asked if I would be comfortable hanging out in his old neighborhood.  Which was of course in the hood, near K&A which is real hood area so he has no idea who he's talking to so I tell him I'm cool hanging in the hood as long as the place we going he is comfortable with.  As we ride past  go go bar(do they call it that anymore) he asked me if I have ever been to one, once again he has no idea who he's asking such questions.  I tell him yes I have been to a strip bar and it doesn't bother me.  A little known fact about me is I used to be a dancer quite some time ago, before the kids, the big hips and extra fluff I have now.  I didn't tell him that not because of being ashamed just because everything has a time and place.  Anywho we went to a small lounge/bar sat and talked, he drinks long island and we all remember the last time I had a long island if not check here.  So yes I got tipsy really quick which was fine with me since I was having a good time talking with him, he's very affectionate(which I like).  He ended up playing a game of pool because I clearly was not capable, once he was done we sat around a little more and then left.  We ended up at his place and watched Karate Kid(which I had never seen) we did some drunk makeout and then I finally pulled myself together and left and I didn't end up getting home til about 4am.  He asked to see me before the week started considering classes starting so I ended up there Sunday night watching another movie Apocalypto, which turned out to be very good.  It was about Maya Civilization and since I have always been a history buff I was very interested and pleased with the movie.  It's a 2006 movie but still interesting....


So I ended up screwing the young ladd and it turned out pretty decent.  He asked to hang out this coming Friday, I am so having a good time.



Cougar? Yes say it loud and proud

I was reading an article about Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon and I didn't realize she was 10 years older than him.  WOW 10 years is alot I mean no doubt she is absolutely beautiful but we know the saying "beauty fades dumb is forever", no I"m not calling her dumb I know they are in love which is wonderful.  What I am saying is I can't imagine being 40something and having to satisfy my much younger husband sexually, I mean really!  Not saying that 40, 50 hell even 60 year old people aren't having a healthy sex life, I just imagine it with other people in there age range not 10 years their junior.  When I'm 50 I don't think I want someone jumping up and down on me every other day and giving out blow jobs (then again maybe I would;).
With that said I have been talking to this 26year old guy for a few weeks now, we hung out last weekend and we both had a good time.  side bar:  the other day I was telling bestie that when I meet a guy I have to immediately be able to look at him and say to myself whether or not I can see myself having sex with him.  We laughed at that but in all honesty it's true and she agreed with me, not saying it will happen immediately(well not all the time) but I have to have that sexual attraction for me to even want to get to know him.  So guys some of us girls think that way too....
Anyway we have a plan to hang out again this Friday, its funny because I"m really out of my comfort zone but I am going forward nothing to lose.  He seems pretty decent he's Hawaiian(yes his mom still lives there), works for Peco energy has his own place no kids, so of course I asked what does he possible want with this older women with 3 kids.  He gave the right answer and I am kinda impressed with the conversations we have.  We played pool and of course he the opportunity to hold me on the waist and get close, I like his confidence.  So me to Mariah, I have it together enough get a younger man's attention.

just STOP

So a few months back I mentioned r-ex randomly texted me and we where going to meet up for drinks and talk but I just really didn't see any need to so we didn't.  Every now and then he will send me a text which I wouldn't mind but it always turns into some kind of irritation.  So maybe a month ago I decided that I would hang out with him I said to myself why not(first mistake), I"m enjoying life dating plenty.  We set a time and the crazy thing is bestie was hanging out and told me to meet her after I hang with him.  So he was suppose to come to my place at 830 9, I text him with no response.  915 comes and goes with nothing from him, so I just decide to go ahead and meet bestie after I leave r-ex a message/text.  The next morning he sends me a text saying he had an emergency, SERIOUSLY.  I went against all my intuition and decided to hang out with him and kicks some bullpuss about an emergency.  This is the same person I left almost 10years ago, I mean really!  I let him know that I really don't care about the emergency just to leave me alone.  So here we are again we texting and he makes mention he wants to hang out at the time I wasn't doing anything but I really didn't feel like getting up so I said what about tomorrow.  He's all like no, tonight I say fine whatever and low and behold when its time to met up something comes up again.  Now I started thinking he was doing this intentionally I mean come on.  So when I tell him in so many words that he is still a jerk he has the nerve to give me attitude(LOL).  The sad thing is if he is after almost 10years of not being together he still wants to play some kind of game with me, how sad is that!  I am fine with not talking to him, so last night he texts me asking "what am I doing" and I say "whats up" he's all like "nevermind".  Dude, WTF?!?!!  Whatever game, ego trip or delusional psychosis your on leave it alone. 
Is it just me or does this seem strange?

busy busy bee

I have made it a point to be as social as possible not turning down any chances to get out and mingle and so far things have been good.  I have met several guys and been out quite often, of course the one guy that gave me the butterflies was the one that's not boyfriend material.  Isn't it always like that!  Any way a few weeks ago I got some extensions and I absolutely love my hair.  I feel even more sexy, its great how simple things like changing your hair can make a women feel so good.  I also am pretty happy with the results from my working out, I know I'm going to eat good food  because I love food(shame) but I think I"m coming along pretty good considering this mom of three.  I did have an ego boost this 26 y/o guy is totally interested me, which is really out of my comfort zone.  When I started dating again it never really crossed my mind to date men of a younger age.  I mean 26 is pretty young, not that I'm some old bitty but I'm not 26 either.  Anyway I decided not to put on restrictions on dating, age and race is not an issue I"m open.  Not that it was in the past its just something that never really crossed my mind.
I have alot of things going on and when I don't update my blog regularly I start to draw a blank.  So I"m going to stay on top of blogging promise pinky swear.....

yea so like I was saying

Soo many things have went on....

• The beginning of Dec I went to my Co. holiday party, it was nice simple nothing major bestie came with me and we always have a good time.  One irritant (probably don't need to be mention but whatever) a co-worker of mine whom I'm really good friends with told me and bestie to come over to the bar so he can buy us a drink.  Next thing I know two other chicks jump up(yes i know them) and walk over there with us.  They stand around at the bar as if there are about to buy a drink and literally wait for my friend to pay for there drinks.  I was so annoyed b/c I don't do crap like that and its was  a pretty desperate move for a $4.00 drink.  I later apologized to my friend and he is such a nice guy he said it was ok but he did noticed and thought it was tacky as well.
• My Legal Research &Writing classes ended two weeks ago and I got an A.  I'm very proud more so because I went into this not knowing much about the law, legal writing and research and I manage to not only do very well but I really grasp it and honestly its kinda difficult because your learning a different language just about.  Anyway spring semester I decided to take 3 classes which makes me nervous and excited at the same time.  I will be in class Mon, Tues and Thur nights, its alot for a working mom but I'm going to do it.  Last Mon I left my Intro class, we reviewed for the final which is tonight and I haven't seen my bookbag since.  Yes you heard me right, I lost my bookbag!  I mean seriously who does this, I'm just a little to old for this kind of shenanigans.  I honestly believe someone took it out of my car, I leave it in there alot because I take it to work with me during the week.  I think I may have forgot to lock my car and someone saw the bag thinking it was something of value and took it.  Which means I lost my flash drive with my work thank goodness I have a back up on my computer at work, my $90 book I purchased which I will have to buy again only because it has alot of useful info.  UGGGG the good thing is its the end of the semester and the girl in my class was able to email the notes for the final I'm annoyed.
• I met this guy awhile back and we have been talking pretty often, we hung out a few times and honestly he makes me nervous.  School girl nervous, I'm extremely attracted to him not just physically but he just has swagga.  It got to the point were I was avoiding hanging out with him.  Now of course these type of guys are not boyfriend material and not that he couldn't be boyfriend material at a different time in my life but he just has alot going on.  He lives in Jersey which isn't an issue he works as a barber which means long days and nights.  He has plenty of kids(when I say plenty I mean more than 5) which translates into more than one baby mom and thats just a little more than I am willing to over look, now don't get my wrong I have a school yard full myself and I don't have an issue with someone having children.  But with that kind of situation it's just a bit crowded in his life.  So I have moved him into the fun boy toy box and he can stay there for now.
• The father continues on his endeavor of silliness and annoying antics.  He finally decided to just get the kids every other weekend which I don't understand what was the problem.  Now when he has them he still has to find a reason call me and not want anything.  I told him don't start calling me Sunday morning talking about where am I going to be.  6pm drop off or meet up is good, of course anything I suggest doesn't work for him so he got an attitude about 6pm and just kept them.  HUH?? You might say, why would he keep them another night if he had something to do?  Lies all lies....any way he will drop them at the daycare and I will get them from there.  I told him I would much rather do it like that anyway to avoid his anger and whatever issue he has with me that I don't know about.
• Also I have already decided on my 4th annual mommy vaca for 2012 ooooo baby essence music festival in New Orleans, LA.  This is a music festival weekend held the first weekend in July every year on the french quarter.  I went several years ago with mzjacksonswords and we had an awesome time.  This year I am doing a better job at planning things out, bestie and I are resevering our room now and will have it paid prior to arrival.  The year we went hurricane Katrina hit so I'm eager to see how things have changed.

so thats it for now I promise will update more now that the semester is over.....

"me and my girlfriend" - tupac

Between class, homework, work, sleep and kids I have not had the energy to blog.  I hate that because my blogging is part of my exercise for my mind and mental health.  Maybe that sounds corny but its true writing gives me the outlet and the oppurtunity to get out of my own head.
Thursday I went over bestie house for dinner, she cooked and as usual our families always have a great time.  We both are cut from the same cloth, we share so much in the way we think and yet we are so different.  We also share the same religion(she was introduced as a young child to the faith and I was introduced as a pre-teen by my grandmom) besides that we are both the only child and our mothers are a mirror of eachother, which means our childhoods also are similar in the way we grew up.  So for me we are family, I"m that person who believes just because you don't share a blood line with someone that dont mean they are not your family.  And honestly just because I do share a blood line with some people I honestly do feel that that makes them my loved one either.  I'm not about to into that discussion, anyway we had a great time as usual, her husband bought some "Hennesy Black" which I had to have some of.  Yes I am a serious drinker and I usually drink hennesy w/ O.J when we go out(when I'm not to broke).  We drank the henny black I mixed mine with cranberry and bestie drank it straight with some water on the side as a chaser, yuck!  After eating and drinking I needed a nap on the couch before I could bring myself to gather my posses and go home. "good times, good times"
Friday I did some much needed cleaning and the usual washing of clothes, I swear washing clothes for three children is pretty ridiculous all the detergent and bleach we go threw.  I had plans to hang out with this guy I have been talking to for quite sometime but after several strange conversations I decided I didn't think it would have been a good idea.  After a while he just seemed strange which turned me off, I don't even feel like getting into maybe later.
Saturday I went to a co worker 40th birthday party which turned out very nice.  It was at a hall so she provided the food and drinks, yea I like those parties too!  Of course I had a great time dancing and drinking all night bestie came with me of course.  I usually have to bring her because I hate being somewhere and people acting stupid or like they don't know how to have a good time.  I know when were together we gonna have a good time.  Which brings me to this Friday, the company holiday party and yes bestie is coming with me.  I was going to bring Tate but thats his weekend with his daughter.  I was kinda glad since I really don't want people at this job all in my business AGAIN.   Speaking of Tate we just started talking again, I had to dismiss almost right after we started talking.  What happened was he can be a bit of a how do I say it.... controlling/jealous, crap like if I'm with him and I look at my phone he's all like "tell your boyfriend your here with me" or when I'm leaving "where are you going and why are you leaving"  I had to tell him in the not so polite way(b/c I tried to do polite the 1st time) I have kids in this world and I'm checking my phone because she may have to texted/called me and I can't lay up with you all day I have a home to attend too.  So he got annoyed with me and I ended up telling him "your irritating me and I'm done playing this game".  So we didn't talk for about a two weeks and then he texted me asking was I still angry with him and I let him know of course not, where friends again.  (gag, gag)
Also my classes have been going great besides the fact that I really don' t like this one teacher but half the class don't like her either.  I got my final last night, which is a take home and due next Wed and then we are done with that class, I really like this prof.  I registered for three classes for the spring semester, I'm nervous can I really take on three classes?  That mean I will have class Mon Tues and Thur.  I want to do it but I don't want to be streched and not make A's.  I'm still undecided.  Anywho more updates later.

I'm going in....

I don't write disclaimers as this is my blog and I blog what I want to.....names and places are not mentioned to protect the innocence and the guilty.

I"m so sick of guys and their exaggerated idea that there penis is some how superior to another penis and the idea that just because they have a dick it some hows give them some kind of secret weapon of mass destruction.  Now I admit I have been around the block, it's not something I am ashamed of or proud of its just one of those things where it is what it is.  With that said I have seen my fair share of dicks, big ones small ones normal size skinny ones and fat ones and honestly while most women can say they want a big one I think for the most part we are happy with a normal size with a decent width.  Back to the men, for some reason guys think that there penis is superior to another.  Seriously do they not understand that most women can go to the nearest corner flag someone down and get a dick.  Its not one of those things where the product out weights the demand there is a surplus.  Now when I say get dick I don't mean a relationship/husband/boyfriend what I mean is if I want to get screwed its not a hard task.  Guys brag about there penis thinking that they some how lay pipe better than the next guy.  Yes some guys just don't have a clue around a women's body and then there are others who are tuned into exactly what we want and sometimes it requires some coaching  to find out exactly what we want.  So I have been in situations when some guy feels the need to let me know how good his dick is, really??!!   And why I conduct myself like an effing lady I do not feed the monster I usually sit back and let that person honk his own horn, I mean hey why not.  Usually I want to say something like "boy please I have seen bigger" or "yours is ok, it falls a little short but I can work with it" or "no you really don't need that magnum condom a regular one will due" or "no I really wanna get on top b/c I"m not feeling anything" and "yes I have had better".  Now I refrain from saying such thing because I usually like the person I'm screwing(yes I tried to make that a habit) and I don't really want to bruise the male ego(well not at that time).  So in conclusion ladies our job is never done, we will sit back and let him brag and feel like he did something that have never been done, go ahead especially if you like him.

men, men and more men...

A few weeks ago I kinda decided I was just gonna jump off the deep end and do what I want when I want without restrictions.  This sounds kinda crazy but "ha whatta you gonna do", for a while I have been playing it cool and not really pursuing all those naughty things I wanna do.  First on my agenda is men, yes men.  I really have been taking it easy and not looking or putting in any real effort to meet someone.  Hell even sex have been on the back burner and for me that is pretty dam hard.  Not saying I'm some kind of nympho but by all means I like it when and how I want.  I think I wasn't putting in any real effort because honestly I have such a busy schedule between school/work/kids I didn't think there was any room left.  So I have decided to make room and squeeze in the opposite sex.
Last week I made a connection with Tate and old boyfriend from college, we hung out last week and this past weekend.  He goes paintball every weekend and insist that I go, honestly I don't want to go.  I have been in the past (took the father paintball for a fathers day gift) and that was enough.  I asked a girlfriend if she would go but I seriously don't want to go, sheesh!  He's just out of a relationship 2 months ago, he told me he wished he hadn't taken our relationship for granted even though we where young.  He thinks I'm the wife type, I'm a cool person easy on the eyes and have a great personality as long as I "direct my vagina in one direction, I'm the wife type" his words not mine.  So romantic and honest, so I had a good laugh at that!
I also met another guy(a cop, no not that one another one) and he is typical guy that I usually end up with.  Not saying that in a bad way but for whatever reason he swears that I am the one and that we will be in a great relationship soon.  He even had it planned out that we(me+kids) will move in to his home since he owns it after we get married.  I usually end up with the provider protector kind of guy, which is great but right now I kinda want to play around some.  Not to say if things go well I wouldn't embrace a good relationship but sheesh he already has us married.  He is nice and nice on the eyes as well so I guess there isn't much to complain about there.
Also the Russian guy that I went out with maybe a year a go emailed me.  He is also a nice guy with this adorable accent who says he too is tired of being single and wants to put in real effort for us to get to know each other again and see where it goes.  We went out a few times, maybe a year ago but at that time I really didn't want to meet someone so I was acting like a flake not returning calls/text messages.  He is a nurse at Temple University hospital and has a 16y/o son who live in Russia.  So I guess he emailed me at the right time, we are hanging out Tuesday.

my show will go on

Somebody help, either help me or the father I can't I can't just irks my whole entire soul I swear....
Now that I got that out
Monday I talk to the father asking if he could keep the kids over night on Tuesday, side bar:

Of course I was/am irked that I have to come up with a story so you can keep your kids and I can go out. WTF?? where not together and why do you care??  I decided that I would tell him what he needed to hear just to keep the peace and not rock the boat.

He said he would(after asking me why whats going on) he also said that he would pick them up from the daycare.  I made plans to hang out with Tate(is what we will call him) on Tuesday and I honestly said to myself I just may want to spend the night out hence why I asked the father to keep them.  After we made that plan I said cool then I can go to the gym straight from work then come home.  So yesterday he goes to the daycare and picks everyone up except my oldest daughter.  Normally shes not at the daycare but there was no school yesterday so she was.  The father picks everyone up(mind you my middle child is in the same bldg) and then says to her your mom is coming to get you.  Here we go with the games, so after she texted me that I left the gym to go get her all the while cursing like a drunken sailor on the phone to him.  But once I got home and calmed down(whoo sigh) I started getting ready for my date.

Tate lives in the city and we decided I would meet him at his place then we would go get something to eat.  Feeling rather sexy in my jeans and smelling very good, I met him at his place and he gave me a tour.  He has this huge 3 story house that he is in the process of renovating himself.  Its tile, flooring, paint, sheet rock holes in the wall when you walk in, the downstairs isn't complete so we head up to the second floor where he knocked down a wall to create a bigger bedroom for himself.  His daughter room and her bathroom was done to perfection then I could see how good his work is.  We went up another flight of stairs where he knocked down another wall to open up the space and there is where he built a bar w/ a sink put down ceramic floors and installed a heart shape black jacuzzi in the back room.  He also opened up the front window and built a deck off of the 3rd floor with sliding glass tinted windows.  This room is where he stays but plans to make it an official entertainment area.  So we sat and talked he told me if I needed anything done at my place he would do it(yes please I need the place painted) and after plenty of comments about how I look and how well I aged I kinda let go of some of my insecurity.  I hate that I have some insecurity about my weight, I know I carry it well but I know this isn't really me.  Thats why I have been putting in serious effort about the gym and watching what I eat.  Anyway after the tour we headed out the clock bar, this was one of my fav spots when I went to Temple, yes its a neighborhood bar that serves awesome seafood.  After we ate we headed back to his place and he poured us a drink and he put on the Kevin Hart comedy show.  We talked about our recent relationships and what we want and direction we want to go talked about our kids he still has that silly side that I like.  We both talked about how much we just enjoyed hanging out with each other and we both agreed that we where actually friends and enjoyed each other company.  I realized when we got back the jacuzzi was full so we decided to get in and relax and watch the movie in there.  I was being shy and made him leave when I took my clothes off, he laughed and said I was being silly and that I looked great, whatever turn around while I get in.  We drank and laughed in the jacuzzi, after we both got pretty tipsy and wrinkled from being in the water we decided to get out.  He lives just like the typical bachelor digging around for the bag of clean clothes for some towels.  We laid in bed and he attempted to put on a movie but neither of us where interested in the movie.  I have always been attracted to big guys, I like when  a guy has a big wide chest and shoulders and he had all that along with that scruffy rugged look.  So I had a great time and left early enough this morning to be to work on time.

"pick back up now where I leave it at"

I hate when I let so much time go by without blogging it makes it more difficult to get my thoughts together, anyway I will try here goes(in no particular order)
Last week I had another interview this was with a law firm downtown and an attorney known for his commercials on daytime tv.  I loved being downtown, prior to that I haven't been in forever and I felt like some kind of out of town tourist.  I was surprised that I was actually interviewing with him directly I kinda thought it would be with some HR person but nope it was him.  He was a very nice guy(surprisingly) and the interview went well.  I feel like I want to keep getting out there until I find something that suits me.  He did say that he would like someone with experience but hasn't found them yet, he said he liked me and would definitely consider me since I showed so much enthusiasm.  I was rather pleased with that, I see all of this as a learning experience that will take me to what I am suppose to have in the end.
Friday I had my court date, the father took me to court for shared/joint custody of the kids.  Initially it had my panties in a huge bunch, lots of anxiety and stress.  I then sat down and jotted down all the valid points that I will bring up as to say why that it's not necessary that he get shared custody.  After doing that and sharing my points with several people it was obvious that I had nothing to worry about.  Friday when I got there we where told that court was cancelled and they had to reschedule.  It really didn't matter to me anyway, so now its postponed and I will get a letter in the mail telling me when the new court date. Whatever!
Last week an old boyfriend found me on facebook, I don't really like fb but I guess it does have it's up side.  He was my boyfriend my 1year at Temple and we really like each other but we where young and silly.  You know how it is when your young and full of emotions, hormones and sexual desires(the good old days) needless to say the relationship had its ups and downs and ended the summer of our second year.  So now that we are back in touch we talked about all those(now funny) incidents that went down.  He told me how much he liked me and that I broke his heart.  It was a very nice conversation, so now we are hanging out tonight.  I can't wait;)  I'm pretty excited and nervous in alot of ways, one way for sure since I finally cut the sex with the father I can totally see me being a slut and screwing him.  I know bad girl but we have a history and its not like he's a total stranger, right?  And it really doesn't help that he is still very sexy and since I'm working out regularly I feel pretty good about myself I"m pretty eager to get naked for someone.  And we both are single.....
Its funny how guys that I talk to from my past express how much they cared about me and they where head over heels in love with me and they have been looking for me.  But when I think back I don't recall if I have the same feelings, when I'm with the person yes I really like them but when its over I tend to just let it go and move on without much thought.  I guess that's a good thing for me anyway it keeps me from living in the past but I honestly don't realize that I made an impact in someones life.  When I think of my past I can't say that I have been head over heels in love alot.  When I'm with someone yes I am attracted to them and I love being with the person but alot of times its something I can give or take.  I was in love with the father for so many reasons but the main reason was because of the way he treated me but there was plenty at the same time that I could have done without.  I guess that is how love goes, people grow and change and you just keep finding things to love about that person, r-ex is someone I can say I was deeply in love with but I don't spend time in the past.  I have always been like that very matter of fact, when I think about it I guess its a good thing and also a bad thing at times.
Anyway my classes are going very good and if I keep my two classes per semester and one class each summer session I should be done in June of 2013.  It seems far but not really, if something happens and I can take more classes that would be great but overall I'm pretty happy with this schedule.
Its nice to be blogging again

mean girls come back to haunt you

Last Wednesday I had an interview which turned out some surprises, first the person who interviewed me was a girl I went to Temple with.  Now the average person I guess that would be a good thing, when she said her name when we where on the phone I knew right away this was the same girl.  She has a very unique name and there was no chance that it was somebody else who had the same name.  Immediatly I began to think if I go along with the girl.  She was my former roommate, roommate they got an off campus apartment.  I do remember bff and I going over there and just doing mean girl stuff, just for no reason(I know we where young), we would call her the wrong name just because or we would eat some of her food and sometimes just snoop in her room.  So when I spoke to her on the phone I didn't want to say anything but I was sure it was her, so of course when I got there the first thing she said was my name you know said it like hey girl!  So I said yes and we had a laugh, I was relieved to know that she was pretty ok with me.  I mean that was along time ago so we went on with the intereview and talked some about people we know.  As I thought the job start pay was signifantly less that what I am making now but it is exactly where I need to be to gain my experience.  I thought about it all weekend and came to the conclusion that if I am going to take a pay cut that I would have to plan ahead right now I cannot just up change jobs and lose money.  So over the next year I will continue my career search with the hopes of not taking a pay cut but if so I'm going to figure my plan that will allow me to do so.  I swear this grown up stuff is really for the birds.

the light at the end of the tunnel just seems so far

After we turned on our assignment, resume and cover letter I decided to send mine out to a few law firms.  When I did some poking around most people prefer a paralegal with some years of experience and those without obviously fall into the category of making less money.  Now I'm not even going to get into the crap about enjoying what you do isn't always about the money, OH PLEASE spare me that crock of bull, I need both.  I need to feed the school yard full of kids that I have and still be able to go buy myself a new Juicy Couture bag if I want(on sell of course) with the topping of enjoying my work as well.  So it seems that if I don't have any experience once I'm done school I will have to get a job and take a pay cut.  That sucks and yes I know all about the light at the end of the tunnel and having to sacrifice now to get it back later, yea yea yea whatever.  Like I said I submitted my resume to law firms that need a receptionist(I will answer phones there just to get my foot in the door), legal assistants and legal secretaries.  I'm a forward thinker and it just makes sense for me to be in that environment now while I am still in school and gain my experience simultaneously.  Monday I actually got a bite, an employer called me to come in for an interview Wednesday very nice and exciting to know my resume caught someones eye.

all around your elbow to get to your ass

This morning I woke up and felt like a hamster in the wheel, you know the stinky little rodent in the classroom that make the whole room smell musky yes him.  I don't know if this is the on set of my bipolar acting up but I know I was pretty annoyed at the thought of oh here I go again with this.  I know its life people have to get up and go to work 5 longs day a week, get paid every other Friday use the weekends to drink, do a hobby find someone to have sex with, complain in between finding happiness and doing things you like.  Yes that sums it up, I know I hate when I get like this all bitchy and irritable.  Besides that things are going along pretty well, our first assingment was to do our resume/cover letter which turned out pretty good.  When I completed mine I felt pretty good about it, in the back of my mind I have been having this thought of should I leave my current job and try to work in a law firm.  Maybe not as a Paralegal but an admin assist or legal secretary or something just to get my foot in the door and be in that environment.  Yes I have been at my current job for quite sometime and honestly I feel like I'm ready to go, it's just something that served its purpose and now its time to move on.  Then on the other side since I have been here so long I have a little bit of lee way(sp?) in some areas.  Anyway I decided to put resume out to some law firms and see what happens hopefully I can get a call back or something to boost my ego.
Other news I haven't been out on a date nor am I currently talking to anyone, this last guy I talked which was actually earlier this week.  He seemed nice but after a few conversations he let me know that he wasn't driving right now because he was in a car accident and it will be sometime before he got a car.  He started the conversation off with what am I doing this weekend.  I told him nothing major he said neither was he and then goes on to say well to bad we can't meet up.  I said ummmm ok, then he says well I'm not driving and I know how you women of today are.  So we get into this discussion of having a car and the women of today have nothing to do with the other.  If a man wants to date a women how is he going to spend time make dates and do things without a car??  I didn't even feel like entertaining the conversation and just said well I would meet up but I'm not sure how he would meet up with me.  If he caught the bus or borrowed a car, that would be his problem.  Long story short he will contact me when he has a car, whatever its not that deep.
I don't really have time and honestly I am just not that interested in dating right now.  My schedule is pretty busy and I just feel content with things right now and I'm happy.  As far a sex, yes sex when I have that itch I know I can always go back to old reliable, the father.  Yes I know your shaking your head at me but hey it is what it is.  I do fight the convinence but sometimes I just don't have the fight in me and he doesn't make it any easier.   He's over there just about everyday eating dinner, playing with kids or just hanging out on the couch watching football.  Yes both of us ass backwards, all the way around your elbow to get to your ass.  Anyway I was talking to bff about the whole relationship that we don't have and she thought maybe I should just come out and say "WTF??"  In other words what are we doing why are we growing closer instead of apart like people do when they break up.  Any who I said I will and yes it would be me since he is a terrible communicator when it come to us.  I don't know when I will most of the time stuff like that just usually comes flying out of my mouth and  I didn't even see it coming.
Oh and I got bangs maybe this pic will up load......