who??

It has been a long day......
I have been thinking about so many things and have been on my own little quiet emotional roller coaster.  I am so happy, excited about the move this past weekend.  My kids and I were in desperate need of a bigger place.  When I got the apartment I planned to stay there until I was actually ready to buy a house but 3 months after moving in I got preggers.  After that it became a temporary place much quicker than I anticipated.  But here we are in the space we need.  So back to my roller coaster of emotions.  I also realize that I have made huge moves with in the past month.  Filing for divorce was something I needed to do I was convinced that I would have no worry or even give it a second thought.  Now I'm not saying that I regret filing because I don't.  I just thought I was done all of the grieving and sadness and letting go.  But I guess now that I am finally getting down to it, that could potentially bring up all of these feelings again.(I make no apologies for rambling on)  Also since I have put an end to us hopping in and out of the bed, I think that also makes it more real for me.  Sometimes it's hard to be the one who makes the hard decisions and take the lead but that's who I am.  It's who I am and it's also the hardest thing to do sometimes, is be yourself.  Maybe that doesn't makes sense but no, actually it does.  Sometimes I don't want to be that person who comes up with all of the ideas, makes the moves, resolves the problems.  Then again this is my life, who do I want to be in charge of it?  Who else would fix what's wrong?  Am I bothered by this?  I know I like to talk myself out of things and I while I did attempt to tell myself that I am so done/over this and there is nothing else to think/wonder/cry about with this.  Why do I have feel this way?  I hate it!  Yes I know it's normal when you dealing with such a heavy situation but I'm not talking about other people, I'm talking about me, the fixer, the problem solver the idea and move maker.  I can't have feelings about this it's not right because I don't behave like this.  So now who am I..........