back to the future

I haven't blogged in a while I guess because I haven't had a chance to not only get my thoughts together but I have been pretty busy with my new schedule.  I have classes two nights a week which isn't bad.  I actually wished I was able to take another class but I it didn't work out that way.  I love love love what I am learning all of my worries about teaching an old dog new tricks learning something new is out the window.  I really have taken well to my schedule and the courses.  Initially getting things situated with my kids getting pick up and drop was all over the place.  Of course the father had a lot to do with it.  I expected him to act up in some way shape or form but I didn't expect his shenanigans to begin so early on.  Right now we are in the middle of I don't know what! But hey isn't that how things always are for us?!  He basically decided to take me to court for joint/shared custody of the kids, which is something I don't mind at all within in reason of course.  I guess he want things on paper because whatever schedule he set for seeing the kids I was always agreed to.  It started out as every other weekend but then changed to Mon - Wed which he didn't always stick to considering the days he did pick them up from daycare he would end up at my house anyway eating dinner.  Right now I think he is going through a crisis, the school district layed him off when they did all those cuts.  So he went from having two jobs to none, yes he keep the partime job at the company we met at but some changes where made there and he was unable to keep that job and then turn around a got layed off.  That meant he was jobless for the first time in 10years and the kind of guy he is that just really hit him hard.  He is a provider(a great one at that) the kind of guy who enjoys taking care of his family and is very giving.  So I said all that to say that he is pretty much in a really ugly funk.  And when your upset who do you typically take things out on, yes the closes person so there I was mind my own business going with my life.  How dare she?  So then starts the lashing out.  So we went through our bout of not talking which I found rather peaceful.  But we all know that wouldn't last too long.  He starts texting and then we are talking again and things are back to normal right after Monday.  I took off Monday just to have some time to myself, I got up dropped the kids off, got my nails done eyebrows waxed, read a chapter of school work then I get a call from him asking if I still wanted this workout video.  I said sure and low and be hold he says well I'm around the corner from your house I can bring it to you, sure!  So he brings me the video's and then encourages me to do them now, so here we are in my living room and he is acting as my personal trainer and also my cook.  I told him I didn't eat breakfast so he goes in the kitchen in between my sets and make me pancakes and eggs.  After my workout he had breakfast all done.  I ate thanked him for the video's and the workout and he left shortly after.  I know I know, WTH??  I don't know.  So yes things are back to normal, he is picking up the kids while I go to class, sending me pics of himself and holding our hour long morning talks about the kids.

Go me

A few weeks ago I went to the dentist everything went well, I found out that they do Zoom.  Zoom is a whitening procedure, that became really popular on the show extreme makeover.  Any way I decided this was something I wanted and last Thursday morning I got my teeth whitening.  No my insurance didn't cover any of the cost but I signed up for FSA(flexible spending account) and was able to use that money to the tune of $500.  Yes I know expensive but fsa is one of those things you can only use on medical expenses and at the end of the year if you don't use the money you lose it.  When I signed up I put a nice cushy amount in, last year when Ase was in and out of hospital I barely had enough for his medication.  I was not about to run into that same problem and since my baby have had a great year so far(admitted to hospital once=) the money is just sitting.  Anyway the procedure was about 2 hours including the prep and going over things, it went well.  Towards the end the nerves in my teeth became sensitive and started to give me sharp pains, that last throughout the day.  By the next day it was gone and my teeth/smile is brighter, no its not chicklet white but they are whiter and I am very pleased.  For the next 3days I have to do some small maintenance twice a day for 45min wearing something like a invisalign on my teeth.

On the other side of news I decided it was no reason for r-ex and I to continue our conversations.  He is in a relationship and that is something I already knew without him telling me because he is just that kind of guy.  I wasn't about to sneak around with him or anything close to that, I don't play seconds so it was pretty obvious there was nothing really to discuss.  I felt like he was still doing the same thing after all these years, cheating and sneaking around on the girlfriend you say you love.  I was the girlfriend at one time but now I'm a different kind of women the kind who can see through the bullsheesh, games and lies.  I'm not saying he is all those things because I don't know him anymore but what I am saying, there are just somethings I'm not willing to deal with.  Life is good right now, I'm happy with alot of things going on yes every now and then a monkey wrenched is thrown into the mix but I work through those things.  When I'm dating someone it's not complicated, they want to get to know me I want to get to know them we make time to hang out we find out if we like each other and then.......
So with that said on to the next.
My computer at my job crashed and normally I really wouldn't care but it just so happen the night before I started my assignment for class at home and emailed it to my work addy.  So I finish up at work and it was to perfection I save it in my documents.  I was about to print it to have a co-worker read over it but I didn't I just said I would later needless to say what happened later yes the computer crashed. UGGGGG
Yes I have the first draft in my email but dang I really was happy with the way it turned out.  Anyway the MIS guy took the computer I asked if he would be able to save any info on the hard drive he said he not sure he will try. 

to talk or text?

Last night as I left class realized I had several texts, the messages where from this guy I met sometime back at the fish fry.  Yes the one BFF and I went to and this happened, any way from what I remember we had a nice conversation and ended up exchanging numbers.  We talked and he seemed like a nice guy but every time he would call it seems like the wrong time to talk and I usually didn't get back him, not for any reason just because.  So anyway he sends me these messages talking about how I'm playing him and I must have a man and he thought I was real like him and me not being available to talk on the phone sounds like excuses.  "Whoa whoa, dude we ain't even like that 1st of all and 2nd who you talking to like that!"  Now I appreciate a when a man is aggressive and knows what he want but what in the world was that about.  I told him I would rather text then talk on the phone, for one when I'm home my background noise is pretty noisy I have 3 kids(which I already explained that) so we can text and then set something up to go out.  Besides the background noise I'm really just not gonna be on the phone with somebody for long periods of time.  Now when the kids are not home I will talk but it's usually pretty short, this ain't high school you wanna get to know me then lets hang out.  He apologized after I told him slow down partner and ask me out this weekend, I told him ok and I will let him know where we can meet.  I'm thinking he maybe he's a little crazy or just he likes me?? Ummmm........

all outta left field, then all up in it

The other day a friend of mine was talking we cruised around topics and things going on, she expressed some of her irritation with men and then all of a sudden bam, she lets it out she tells me that she hasn't had sex in 3 years.  WTH??? We talking about a 30something vibrant women.  Of course my jaw drop, I'm thinking no wait I actually said out loud 3 years dam girl how you do that?!?!  Yes I know I probably didn't sound supportive but sheesh!  That is a long time, I mean I guess I can understand if you are holding out for a relationship and Mr. Right but Mr. Sexy and hot never appeared??  Ladies you know who I'm talking about, that guy that comes along you know he ain't gonna be your boyfriend but he looks and smells all good all the time.  Yes that guy that helps you get where you need to go and helps you until you do find that relationship, yes him.  I don't want to sound like some kind of sexed crazed freak but I'm not a prude either(no need to  bring up the great hoe days of Temple Univ LOL).  I know this topic is kinda touchy but its my blog and I will blog what I want to.  Anyway, we finished our conversation and I did think about it afterwards, is that something I could do?  Can I not have sex for years?  Is that something reasonable?  Would I try it?








*NAAAAA......lol

look up and look who it is.....now what?!

Last week I got a text out of no where the message was just my name and when I looked at it I didn't immediately recognize the number so I said "yes? and this is??"  They responded with their name and a host of memories, thoughts and somewhat nervousness came over me.  You see it was the ex no not him but the ex from before the father, the same ex I left to be with the father.  The same ex that the father have always felt insecure about yes the same ex I never really stop caring about.  Why was he texting me? What do he want?
I responded back and we talked/texted you know the usual, how are you? how is everything? what are you up to?  Yes the "how is the weather conversation", after a few messages back and forth I asked him what do you want?  He didn't know, he said he just decided to contact me after thinking about me for sometime.  I said ok and I was cool with that. 
For me r-ex(which is was he will be referred to) brings alot of different emotions and kinda turns me all icky.  I hate that and that's why I would rather not be in regular contact.  We where in a 5 year relationship which had its highs and lows.  See when I met r-ex I was young and he taught me the kind of relationship I wanted and didn't want to be in.  While he had great qualities and I loved him tremendously he was a cheater and after break up and heartache break up and heartache I decided I needed and wanted better.  I was at the end of my rope with him when I started my current job and thus met the father.  That is the very short version.
We have been exchanging messages daily and while I like talking to him because I don't hate him or anything like that, I really don't find it necessary.  What I mean is no he is not going to be my friend because as I stated in a previous post ex's are not friends.  I do think of him time to time but my life has gone in a direction and I am pretty happy with.  I feel we both have had moments of "what if" but I don't dwell on that.  He wants to met up and talk I said I would, I'm not sure what could be said but I"m willing to talk. 

decisions decisions

After class last night I realized that I have made a great decision to become a paralegal.  I know for some the law isn't something to get all excited about as for me I am soooo excited.  It is a bit overwhelming, not just learning something new or being back in a classroom(its been 7years shush!) but learning the law means you also have to learn a whole new language and new set of terms and that is the tricky part.  My legal research prof said that right now we are just getting lots and lots of information so just take it all in.  In about 4 to 6 weeks things will start to click and come together.  I hope so because we only had two classes and I already have a set of flash cards made up.
On the flip side my mommy instinct begin to pull at me, I sat there and began to feel guilty about being there.  I talked to a former supervisor and someone I look up and she explained that she to felt the same way when she went back to school.  She gave me my pep talk and told me to leave the guilt behind and push through.  I know she's right and me being at school two nights a week isn't that bad.  But for a minute in class I started to drift and think about my babies, am I missing something? do they miss me? am I neglecting them?  Yes I wondered all of those things.  I had to shake that thinking and focus back on the class.  I know I'm a good mom(yes I have to toot my own horn sometimes) I just don't want my kids growing up saying where the hell was my mom when I fell and needed that boo boo kissed.  I know I'm over reacting but I love my kids and want the best for them and the best doesn't always mean material things but I want them to have great childhood memories.  I know somebody can understand my rant??

Overly used and abused

hating, the urban dictionary defines it as:

 When one puts down the success or fortune of others due to jealousy.

I am so sick of the use of this word, stop hatin or you just hating.  This term has taken the place of I don't know what else to say so I'm just gonna say "stop hatin".  Really?  Every opinion someone has or if I disagree with something somebody says or even when I just don't particularly care about something/someone apparently I must be "hatin".  In the past 5 days I have been told to stop "hatin" twice, now anybody that really knows me knows that there are just somethings in life, in this world that I really don't give two flying fucks and a half of a got dam about(please excuse my language I don't talk like this but I have to get my point across).  Just to name a few:  celebrities, reality tv, people who are not in my circle are just a few.  Now when I say this I mean it in every sense, no I don't want to watch an interview with lastest pop star because I really don't care what he/she has to say.  If I like a song I download it and listen to it over and over again until.  Everybody knows I looooove 50cent not because of what he has to say but mainly, no absolutely because I love looking at him, there I said it the cats out the bag.  I went to see him in concert because I love his 1st album and because I wanted him to take his shirt off.  No I don't watch award shows because I just don't care, yes someone reading this will say "stop hatin", since when does hating and not caring mean the same thing?  Nowadays people can't have an opinion without "hatin", you know the song from sesame street "one of these kids is doing his own thing" yup that's me.  For some strange reason I can't have a different view of things or just not be on the same band wagon without "hatin" rearing its ugly head.  I don't wish anything bad I don't want to trade places with anyone I don't want anything that somebody else has, one reason is I don't know what they had to do to get what they got, call me self absorbed call me strange but please lets keep "hating" in its proper place.

on the tip of my tongue

Classes started and boy am I excited, I started thinking why didn't I go back sooner.  Then again the past few years of my life have been pretty busy, crazy, dramatic however you want to call it so there wasn't much room for that.  And now that I'm back it just seems like it couldn't be any more perfect(well perfect as perfect gets).  I have had pitfalls but nothing I can't handle, people who said they would be there to help wasn't and others who are just suppose to do what they are suppose to do didn't.  Needless to say that I am a fighter and savior and I don't just say that to sound all corny and what not but its the truth.  I have a story to tell just like everyone else about the way I grew up my family my mom and dad.  When I started this blog I knew eventually that I would blog about my childhood but I wasn't sure how and when.  I"m not sure how much others know, not that I am ashamed about who I am or where I come from and what I been through because that made me who I am now and that person I am very proud of.  I talk extensively with bff about it because she to can share and understand what I'm talking about, the father knows all of that good stuff as well.  I know I'm talking all around my elbow to get to my ass so today is not the day I"m going to blog about it but it's coming.