The father and I have been separated for two, yes count them two years and our son is 1 years old ok! During this time I have to admit its been back and forth up and down left and right and every which way side ways. He decided two years ago that he wanted a divorce
(background: two years ago I saw an old friend of mine, ok my ex while I was out. We talked and sat and had lunch, yes he was still very much in love with me and I knew it. No I was not in love with him anymore but at the same time no I didn't hate him. He was someone I spent alot of my life with he taught me things and mostly he taught me what I wanted in a man and how I wanted my future relationships to be but I knew for sure that I would never be with him like that again. After lunch we said goodbye and that was it, the father found out and of course exploded. Hind sight I guess I shouldn't have sat and talked with him because I was married but honestly am I not my own person. There was nothing physical not even a goodbye hug)
after finding out. After explaining numerous times what happen and assuring him that was it he still then insisted he wanted a divorce. I said fine I was done trying to convince him of what happen and I'm sure after he talked to all of the idiots he calls friends he was on some other stuff. I told him I did some research and I found a place and a price and if he wanted me to pay for half then I would. I was feed up and felt like if somebody wanted to go then far be it for me to try to hold them back. At the end of the year we separated I told him I have the money and I am ready when he is. Of course he never respond and when I bring it up he does everything but bite my head off. During this time we have awkward interactions when he comes for the kids. It's this combination of anger and still this attraction to each other. After a few months of that the attraction wins I we end up having our son. Now that was the very abstract and short version of what has happened. I am totalled frustrated with this situation. I am frustrated with myself and him. I tell myself(and him) I'm done I'm tired of this back and forth. We are now at the point where he isn't going to pay or even pay half for divorce papers. I want to put a period at the end and move on. I will not pretend like I'm not legally married and try to start something new with someone else. But more importantly my moral conscience bothers me more than anything. I know how God views divorce and what grounds the Bible gives and says divorce is allowable. I have asked him "don't you have a girlfriend?" "why do you want me, I thought you said you didn't want me?" This is exhausting and down right annoying. What if I file divorce papers and we still continue this cycle of stupidity. Honestly I believe he spoke to soon and was talking out of anger, he talked so bad about me that he would rather cut his nose of to spite his face. His pride and ego his in his way but at that's something he's going to have to live with. All I know is this ride is has taken its toll on me and I"m exhausted.
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