emotional wreck

I have been dating dj for the past 18 months and it has been an emotional, drama filled and passionate relationship. Sometimes I don't know why I stay and at the same time I love him, I hate our relationship sometimes. He doesn't communicate well but at the same time he has made huge changes and our communication has gotten 10times better. I know he loves me because I feel it and at the same time I question how he feels about me. My frustration with him is whenever I express myself and tell him something he may have did or something I don't like or something that happen he gets upsets and somehow becomes the victim. I know he has a passive aggressive personality, his favorite line "i'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't", I hate the passive aggressive person, I'm complete opposite. Always ready to deal with something head on, wanting to resolve it so I can move past it. I hate the lingering of things, not talking, just sitting on whatever it is and letting it simmer until it explodes. Monday I called off the relationship mostly because its lacking see previous post *http://divahasspoken.blogspot.com/2014/09/when-those-demons-start-talking.html (that came out ugly), and I know that hurts my feelings the most. He tells me how wonderful I am and I am the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. So I don't understand why when I ask him to do some of the small things that he know I like, you the mushy stuff some girls like. The things that don't cost anything it always seem like its a problem. And no he doesn't say its a problem and honestly he has done some of those things but its always far and few. Am I asking for too much? In the same breath I say hell no....I'm not talking about things that cost $$, I'm talking about that feeling that men give the woman in there life that makes her feel special. And not that I don't know I'm special to him again I just hate that comfortable position. Anyway its only Thursday and the break up is killing me, sadly I really feel like this is the right thing to do but my feelings are extremely hurt and I miss him. Feel like I'm talking crazy, rambling on, saying two things at the same time.....I'm glad your back blog!

when those demons start talking

everybody have they own inner voice and as I get older I am well aware of mine. I have finally understood what my inner voice is saying about my relationship with men. I find myself never really having a problem meeting and getting into relationships, not to sound concieted but men always tend to want me to be their girlfriend. I don't see that as a bad thing, I guess it says something good about me. I always enjoy the beginning stage of the relationship, you know when the guy gives you all this attention and trying his best to capture the girl. What always happen is they conquer me and I enjoy every bit of it but then the long term relationship start to evolve into the comfort zone. You know, they have you now and everybody suppose to be happy and everybody is except me. I start to get bored and unhappy and I know the man in my life at the time loves me but I just lose interest. I start to feel alone, neglected and just bored. While I understand the begining stage is just infatuation and doesn't run deep like the love that two people have when they are together for a long time, I just hate how my boyfriends always get comfortable and stop doing those things that make me smile and feel warm and tingly. I do tell them and I am always coming up fun things to do to keep the relationship exciting but they just don't ever turn it back up like it was in the beginning. I start to feel bitchy and then I just end up venduring off to find the greener grass. I know that is not how life is but why can't I have someone who wants to keep things fun and exciting too? Then it never fails, I find greener grass after bitching for a long time and then they finally get the kick up the ass and want to do right. Sadly by then I dont even want to be with him anymore and cant seem to go back, its weird because I do still love the person but by then I'm all out of that kind of love. I know I can't keep going like this, I will end up alone and not that I'm not ok with alone I just don't understand why I would have to. I wonder where is that man thats wants and exciting woman and wants to be an exciting man.

i'm sorry blog....

Wow...I have to apologize to you blog, I have neglected you, I have ignored you and I let my emotions get in the way of reconnecting with you. I have thought of you often and couldn't bring myself to face you and now that I truely see how important you are to me, here I am. On many occasions I said to myself I need to blog just to feel better but selfishly I didn't but mostly out of frustration. But I am hoping to reconnect with you and keep you in my life and see you regulary.

do you like like him or just like him?

Wow it has been a month since I have blog and honestly I was avoiding it for some odd reason.  Every time I would open up the internet I would intentionally not click on blogger, I wanna say I'm not sure what that was about but I think I know what it was about.  Its been totally about route 26, I didn't want to blog to much about him again why I don't know but when I think about I think its because I actually like him and it scares me.  It scares me for so many different reasons:

• I haven't like like someone in a really long time, hell lets face it I haven't like like someone since the father.  And in all honesty I don't know how I feel about that, the rebellious side of me says fuck it and just like the dam boy but the very rational side of me says no way get out now while its still early. 
• I think about why waste time and energy with someone and it doesn't go anywhere.  Not to say that he some loser dude and doesn't have a future because I wouldn't even bother with him if that was the case.  I just think the age difference is so drastic.  Yes he is quite younger than me but when we hanging out it doesn't feel that way.  He totally knows how to take control(which I like in a guy) he makes me feel sexy and attractive(not that I don't know I already am) and I just have a great time even when we just chillin at his place.
• Which leaves me back to the original bullet of it makes me nerves and scares me that I like him.  Of course I'm playing it cool just because that's my steez(style), he always make reference as to our future and what we are going to do, where we going to live and etc.  I think its cute.  He also drops settle statements like "I would be jealous if you were out with someone else", I know he likes me back but I'm more concerned with my feelings.  I don't want to be that woman who is scared to let go and like like someone, I guess because I know I'm not really like that.  We are going to Atlantic City this Friday to see Trey Songz and Big Sean in concert(pics coming), I'm so excited for the concert and to spend the weekend with him.

(sigh)

"I got a story to tell" - notorious b.i.g

Friday morning I woke up to my oldest throwing up all over her bed oh and I went to bed cleaning up the bathroom because the middle child was throwing up as well, which means I had to call out.  Which I was pretty annoyed since I like to use my sick time to do something fun not actually for what it's meant for but I'm mommy so oh well.  I tended to sick kids all day but not before I took that annoying little boy of mines to the daycare, yes I did he was the only one that wasn't sick and he had already started to annoy everyone by trying to push Ayanna out of my bed, he swear he owns me.  So of course by noon my stomach started to feel queasy and I'm not the vomiting type so I ended up with diarrhea(i know TMI) and what felt like a diaper rash but that lasted all of Friday and was pretty much over by Sat and the same for them.  But of course that didn't stop my Friday night shenanigans......
Earlier I had texted route 26 and told him that I didn't want to drink because my stomach was upset, his response "boooooooo".  So we ended up hanging out around my area at Caseys', which is pretty much a mixed crowd restaurant/bar.  Of course he gets me a drink and is trying to convince me that if I drink it may help my stomach(really??) so now I'm drinking and worried that the bubble guts are going to start in the bar.  He assures me that if I do get the bubble guts its ok and I'm still sexy(*rolling eyes).  He's playing pool and I'm watching when all of a sudden this white chick comes up to me and says "hi I wanted to come over and tell you that your man is a fucking hottie, I'm not trying to be disrespectful because are a gorgeous woman but he is a total fucking hottie".  Ummmm ok!  She then goes on to tell me that she is usually not attracted to black guys, hispanic guys and white guys with blonde hair blue eyes, she only like italian men, men with light skin dark hair and dark eyes and her name is Krista.(by the way Krista and her crew are no spring chickens, she is a mother of 4 with 1 grandchild, she looks great, she has these huge breast that she insist on sitting on my arm because she is so close to me)  So I'm totally caught off guard, I tell her ok I don't feel no disrespect yes I agree he is a hottie and he's not black or hispanic but thanks.  By then she had made me part of her crew she's introducing me to her friends and even her dark hair dark eye boyfriend of 4 years Bob!  She then introduces me to a very drunk Kevin(another one of her friends) who starts to obsess over me.  He sits across from me and starts telling how pretty I am and asking who am I here with.  I let him know that my friend is over there at this point route 26 see's what happening and walks over, Kevin gets up and that's the end, you would think.  Krista insist that I come over to the bar and do some shots with her and her crew, I really don't want to but route 26 thinks its funny and is pushing me to go ahead.  We did a shot called chocolate covered pretzel and it was extremely good, here comes Kevin on the other side of me.  Again telling me how much he is attracted to me(ugggg).  Krista tells him don't even try it Kevin she is a beautiful women and don't be just trying to get some pussy......WHAT! Whoa whoa whoa now how did we end up here?!?!!  She going on about if he likes me then he should take me out with all of them tomorrow for lunch around 2pm because they all are meeting up.  I'm trying to get a word in and explain that won't be necessary all the while I"m looking over for route 26 and moving my chair back so I can make my escape.  Bob(krista's boyfriend) calls her over, when she walks away I go to get up and Kevin comes around the other side and is now face to face with me, asking am I ok to get home.  I tell him I'm fine I told you I'm here with someone I go to get up and he tries to kiss me....WTF?!?!!  I push him and walk over to where I was sitting, I didn't realize that he was following me, as I'm sitting down I see him and he is yelling "what why because of him".  What in the world?!?!! Route 26 at this point is walking over toward him asking "what the fuck is going on and what is your problem"   oh lawd!!  Kevin comes to his senses and apologizes and walks away.
I swear see what happens when I jump back out in the dating realm

we a bad combo

Yea Wednesday night bestie and I find our way hanging out at the gangsta boogie and we had a guuuuuud time.  Of course she got to my house late and I was under my covers in my bed, we started with some tropical rum  at my house which was really sweet so we just drank it straight.  I think we got there around 1030 which is unusual for me, I'm the person who if I don't leave the house atleast by 9 I'm not going and I'm cool with it.  I don't know what that's about but anyway I saw a former co-worker, now this guy really liked me when we worked together and didn't care that I was married at the time.  He always mad comments about how he wanted to take me out, he liked me and even once said that he wanted to me to take his money.  I saw him and of course he started buying drinks and half way thru the night him and bestie was sister and brother dancing and really carrying on.  I gave him my number and said I would let him take me out and he was very excited to find that I was no longer a married women.  We ended up staying alot longer than we thought since we were having such a good time.  This morning I wasn't too banged up and was able to pull myself together and get to work about 930am, shortly after I got in my office he called me and asked if I wanted breakfast.  Sure!  So he stopped at the diner and brought me an omelet, sausage and o.j to my office soooooo I'm thinking I will keep him around for awhile.

Oh what a night...or two maybe three

I need to get my mind into school work although the semester only started last week I have plenty reading that needs to be done.  Contract law already requires reading 3 chapters which is alot but we didn't have class yesterday because of MLK day so I got some time.  My family law class is tonight and I started reading the chapter yesterday, I should be done by tonight.
I'm so preoccupied with guys I feel like a teenage girl, this past weekend was really ridiculous.  I hung out with route 26 Fri, Sat and Sun I know ridiculous.  He has been occupying my weekends for the past 4 wknds, I don't know whats wrong with me I haven't even made time for the other guy I was talking and that is not like me I like to keep my options open until I'm sure about the other person.  Friday I wanted to hangout with bestie and go to Big Bang in center city(bar/lounge) but "26" insisted that we see each other because he was working overtime this weekend and wasn't sure when we would see each other again.  So we end up hanging out playing pool and this cute bar/lounge in his neighborhood of course I was the darkest person in the room which really didn't matter to me just thought it was kinda funny.  We had a good time I was pretty tipsy and he did mention that I was much loser than usual, in a good way.  Sat we ended up around the way in north philly at the clock bar, which I call the gangsta boogie.  Neighborhood ghetto bar that serves awesome drinks and to die for seafood and I know they make plenty money and refuse to do and renovations to the place.  We ate and drank, I swear I cannot hang like I use to it took everything in me to keep my eyes open.  Then Sun we just hung out at his place and relaxed and talked alot about what we looking for, other people we seeing, how interested are we in each other which I barely could do because I was soooo sleepy.  Part of me feels like how can I be in something serious with someone so much younger than I am and then I think about how men do it all the time.  So I decided to not over think it go with the flow and see what happens.   I did fall asleep for a bit and end up getting home like 3am and had to be to work at 8am.  Yea I'm doing too much.