emotional wreck

I have been dating dj for the past 18 months and it has been an emotional, drama filled and passionate relationship. Sometimes I don't know why I stay and at the same time I love him, I hate our relationship sometimes. He doesn't communicate well but at the same time he has made huge changes and our communication has gotten 10times better. I know he loves me because I feel it and at the same time I question how he feels about me. My frustration with him is whenever I express myself and tell him something he may have did or something I don't like or something that happen he gets upsets and somehow becomes the victim. I know he has a passive aggressive personality, his favorite line "i'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't", I hate the passive aggressive person, I'm complete opposite. Always ready to deal with something head on, wanting to resolve it so I can move past it. I hate the lingering of things, not talking, just sitting on whatever it is and letting it simmer until it explodes. Monday I called off the relationship mostly because its lacking see previous post *http://divahasspoken.blogspot.com/2014/09/when-those-demons-start-talking.html (that came out ugly), and I know that hurts my feelings the most. He tells me how wonderful I am and I am the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. So I don't understand why when I ask him to do some of the small things that he know I like, you the mushy stuff some girls like. The things that don't cost anything it always seem like its a problem. And no he doesn't say its a problem and honestly he has done some of those things but its always far and few. Am I asking for too much? In the same breath I say hell no....I'm not talking about things that cost $$, I'm talking about that feeling that men give the woman in there life that makes her feel special. And not that I don't know I'm special to him again I just hate that comfortable position. Anyway its only Thursday and the break up is killing me, sadly I really feel like this is the right thing to do but my feelings are extremely hurt and I miss him. Feel like I'm talking crazy, rambling on, saying two things at the same time.....I'm glad your back blog!

when those demons start talking

everybody have they own inner voice and as I get older I am well aware of mine. I have finally understood what my inner voice is saying about my relationship with men. I find myself never really having a problem meeting and getting into relationships, not to sound concieted but men always tend to want me to be their girlfriend. I don't see that as a bad thing, I guess it says something good about me. I always enjoy the beginning stage of the relationship, you know when the guy gives you all this attention and trying his best to capture the girl. What always happen is they conquer me and I enjoy every bit of it but then the long term relationship start to evolve into the comfort zone. You know, they have you now and everybody suppose to be happy and everybody is except me. I start to get bored and unhappy and I know the man in my life at the time loves me but I just lose interest. I start to feel alone, neglected and just bored. While I understand the begining stage is just infatuation and doesn't run deep like the love that two people have when they are together for a long time, I just hate how my boyfriends always get comfortable and stop doing those things that make me smile and feel warm and tingly. I do tell them and I am always coming up fun things to do to keep the relationship exciting but they just don't ever turn it back up like it was in the beginning. I start to feel bitchy and then I just end up venduring off to find the greener grass. I know that is not how life is but why can't I have someone who wants to keep things fun and exciting too? Then it never fails, I find greener grass after bitching for a long time and then they finally get the kick up the ass and want to do right. Sadly by then I dont even want to be with him anymore and cant seem to go back, its weird because I do still love the person but by then I'm all out of that kind of love. I know I can't keep going like this, I will end up alone and not that I'm not ok with alone I just don't understand why I would have to. I wonder where is that man thats wants and exciting woman and wants to be an exciting man.

i'm sorry blog....

Wow...I have to apologize to you blog, I have neglected you, I have ignored you and I let my emotions get in the way of reconnecting with you. I have thought of you often and couldn't bring myself to face you and now that I truely see how important you are to me, here I am. On many occasions I said to myself I need to blog just to feel better but selfishly I didn't but mostly out of frustration. But I am hoping to reconnect with you and keep you in my life and see you regulary.